Chances are

Dear Seth,

I'm sad. My heart is heavy with a sequence of events that has lead me to here. Mostly a series of bad judgement and a road of bad luck straggling behind it. I suppose it will be my cross that I carry every day, and I have to get okay with that. How do people ever be okay with it? Why do I feel like I am alone in it? I want to say that I see that you give a damn, that you try hard. Thats why I gave into him, to give him what he wanted. He tells me what I want to hear, that he won't disappear. Because if I'm honest, really blind eye stabbing honest, I'm not okay with it, horrified really, and filled with remorse. But the words whispered, and declarations offered were something that I wanted more, and maybe thats the part that makes me the most upset with myself. That I did a selfish thing for me, instead of following my heart. Or let me elaborate more, I followed my heart, and tried to do what was right, but in the end was it doing right by me, or the other, and am I more selfish or less for doing that? And is right that I feel angry that it seems I'm more alone in it now than before?

I woke up late today. I feel the sting and the numbness of the pain. I put a smile on my face, and mustered up everything for the day, to be the best mom for Xander-because most days, that seems all I will amount to. Like I'm not anything else outside of that, not a woman, a girl who can feel sexy and accomplished at the same time, not a student, a friend, a daughter, a lover, someone to fall in love with-these never seem relevant anymore and maybe they arent. I try to ignore the hurt, but its there. I'm getting a little stronger, a little better, hoping that it could work out, but I know my heart will never be the same. I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days. It won't happen overnight I know. I just hope at some point I will get to a place where I realize I haven't cried over it in awhile. And that at some point I'll just be stronger. Even if I have to will myself.

It's a daily battle for me, with one foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says. I seem to have this interal struggle that I don't deserve anything good because of my sins, and if I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far, to the other way, chances are away from what I want or what is supposed to be, because I cant just leave well enough alone. Maybe because it was discussed that you can be able to tell everything, and not have it make it feel like you push them away. But with all, it seems that it does. So how do you say, I want to chase away the hurt, make you smile, let you know I'm here for awhile, for as little or as long as you want. And that if isn't to be and it can't be seen that my heart is set on you, I'd just rather be by myself? I don't know about any of that. Most recent lesson: Timing is everything. Biggest key factor in the whole stinking mess. I guess it is what will never be.

I try to tear down the wall, to not let what I want to say pass my lips, but somehow it does, and there is no back up plan, no second chance, just the silence that remains and my heavy heart.

So in the hopes that my Christmas miracle comes this year Seth, I'll close with this, what I read today

"For everything written in the past, was written to teach us so that through endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4. And hope, is truly all I have. To give and to receive everyday.

Please be with the angels, and with Payton, Nolan, and Lexington. I miss you always.

Love Shannon

Heart

Dear Seth,

I have so much to write, to say. But I can't even begin, because my heart is full, mostly of hurt and sadness and pain and I cant go there right now or I won't stop. I'll try to tomorrow. These lyrics just fit right now. To what I want to say but can't. To what I want to be, but won't-because I can just never seem to be enough, to be good, for anyone to want, to pursue.  I love it though, when a song just vibes with you, with where you are at.

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

We had Thanksgiving a few days ago. I really miss you. Please watch out for P, and N, and BAB for me.
Love Shannon

Self-Doubt

Dear Seth,

Self-doubt is a terrible thing. You think you don't deserve things. You think you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid. That you have nothing to offer. You make yourself so busy that you don't have to think about anything. You become anal, or over analyze, you don't eat to deal with stress, you go from one extreme to the other to try and find what you think balance works for you. When really you just can't face the fact to accept that good things should and can happen to you. Why should I let them now, when none of them were good before? Maybe thats why I let people walk all over me or let bad things happen, because how could I deserve better. I don't know. Because if good things were supposed to happen, then they will right? I don't know. I'll let you know I guess.

Summer Haze

Dear Seth,

I've been having this dream lately, where I see me, and him. It seems to be summer, woodsy, random trucks are scattered around. The sun's out, seems really humid. It's like I can see myself from afar, seeing us interact, but I can't talk to myself, I can't do a thing. We kiss, its tender, sweet, the choices and results of everything that was done in the right time, right place seem to glow from both of us. I seem lighter,not so much of the weary loads to carry. I don't know if this is my past from what it would have been, or a glimpse to what might be or the future. I have no idea.

And then I wake up. I see I'm where I am, with the all the my choices in front of me, and everything else is evident. And I wonder if the words are true, that echo around in my dream, if the promises uttered will be kept. I find myself holding my breath, because if I breath out, they won't be true, And I'm afraid to hope, because I so want it to be true. But I don't just want to be chasing this alone. I guess for now, I'll jump in and just keep holding my breath. Because really, who doesn't want to hope?

Love,

Shannon

I remember

Dear Seth,

Remember how you you said we were each others keepers? We were good for each other's souls? So true. You got to the very core of me without even trying. And you could make me laugh in the next sentence. Damn I miss that. No one else ever really gets that way to me. Maybe thats what made you so different, so special.

I remember when you told me once after talking about boys, you said if you're worth it, he'll fight for you. You told me that about him, and you were right, he didn't. I should have listened to you then. Saved me a world full of trouble. And now as an after affect I always feel like I have to be brave. It scares me, this need to have a wall and try and never let anyone in. I fear it might push others away, that no one will want to break it down. Odd how internally I can be an eternal optimist, but externally I dont trust easily and tend to want to push people away. I remember how you said I need someone to be patient, slow, persistent, and not tell me but show me they mean what they say. You're right. And hopefully it works out that way. I miss you.

Love,

Shannon

Mountains to climb

Today is one of those days where you wake up and you think I will never be the same. Sad, lonely, relieved, upset, angry, angry that I'm forced to feel like I will be a souless wonder. Did you ever feel this Seth? When you were facing down the walls that held your soul? Like a caged bird with eagle wings. You knew what you could fly for, strive for, but those walls held you from it and made you feel like you'll never get out from them.

Have you ever done something for for the greater good, but everything in you screamed its wrong?  Yup, thats me. I'm cold, I can't seem to get warm, and I'm so tired. But blast this dreary day, I must go on, it doesn't stop for me, Xander still needs to go to bed, I still have homework, there's laundry to do, planning out the week for school, and a million more mountains that need to be tackled. But for now, I'm going to tuck away this day, and maybe someday it won't be so bleak feeling.

Poker: Not gonna fold em

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 2]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

I don't know why but these song lyrics seem to resonate with me. We always talked about Nelly, how he was from St. Louis, he was a "home grown" artist according to you. This doesn't really have to do with that, but it seems to tie in since Eminem is in this song too. Maybe because its about a selfish relationship? Maybe because in the song her story is letting herself be treated that way? It reminds me of the past behind.

I feel in between on so much. I'm doing something with my life, but this kind of path, school, is a slow and steady, its the quick way to the top. But I tried that way, and look where it got me, unemployed and laid off. I was so used to being by myself now its weird to be surrounded, to be so busy you don't have time for everything. Xander is growing so fast into the "getting into everything" phase its like there is more things he can't do than can, and I'm going to go nuts because I don't have a minute to myself until he drops for the day. Once he is asleep, yes my parents can stay with him, but it's not their job, its mine. I was in survival mode and the thinking of just make it till we move, that now I can actually think for a minute and I realize how much of this is all on me.

Every decision I make has a reaction, and I don't get the luxury of just not having a care in the world.  I have to be the best, for Xander, I have to make all the right decisions. I have to show him what to do, eat right, hold your fork, brush your teeth, kiss the boo-boos, not get mad, not baby him for the fact that he doesn't have a dad around because thats a reality he's just gonna have to adjust to. I don't know why, but its kind of daunting. And incredibely scary. Can I do this alone? If I don't do it right, he's going to be messed up for life. And that is a failure I can't live with. He will have to decide things for himself in life, but if I don't give him the right tools to do that with, that's on me. I've been so worried about what can do to be a certain way to have a "come what may" way with things, but that doesn't seem to matter or affect who its supposed to, that right now, I need to "come what is" adjusting and be that for him. Because thats the way of it. And that's my current hand, and unlike poker, I'm not gonna fold this one.

Time for a change

Dear Seth,

Funny how I don't write for months, and then all of sudden, writing consumes me, its a part of me, sentences waiting to escape until they hit the screen. I remember when I initially started to write this blog, I wanted to do it to letters to you, so it was easier to write, easier to trick myself into knowing that someone cared, someone was reading. Now I don't care if anyone reads, its just you and me, and my private outlet to the world. Private, thats a funny snorted laugh, that does not exist. My days consist of schedules, chores, endless chasing and staying on a two year old and repetition and schedules and courses for school. Driving and writing were my only escapes. Why do you think Xander and I both love the car? It was our escape for so long, its a hard habit to break. Now that I'm down one for the time being, I have to walk everywhere. That's okay though, I like to do that anyways.

I spent so long making the wrong choices and masking it, its harder now, but being good, doing right, being smart, standing by my family and friends and son, is ingrained in me. I can't do anything else. I got to be good at it though, and habits are hard to break sometimes. Walls are up, around my heart, and I read this quote about it wasn't trying to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break it down. Today I just feel down, sad, lonely. Like no one is going to ever break them down. To care enough to know me, to want to be with me. I'm inexperienced, and people will tell you it won't matter, but lets be honest, at the end of the day, a guys wants to feel good, and when you don't know what your doing, it matters. I'm not even good at the simple stuff, the stuff I enjoy the most. Snuggling, sitting close, holding hands, kissing. I don't know how to do dating. Funny, I can cook pretty much anything, I clean the shit out stuff, I'm loyal-I always got your back, I love family, doing family things, but my life will forever be complicated. I come with a 2 year old. It's not just me. That's going to push others away too. Or maybe it won't and I'm crazy. But let's face it, single mothers are the highest population, so if men are beating down doors to be with women who have kids by another guy, uh ahem, hello, where is my door?

I know what you're thinking, to soon, you don't need it, and you need to focus on all the other billions of shit you have in front of you. You're right. And I know that. And I'm not even thinking about that right now. I just get lonely. I like to watch movies and cuddle, or just talk and be heard and have real conversations. And tonight was a night where I feel like those things will be impossible for me to have, because I have baggage and insecurities, so its easier to just build a wall. But really, I'm just like that princess in the story that wants the wall scaled and to be rescued. And my rescuer is no where in sight, doesn't want to be found-has had so much stuff that maybe it has forever changed the pattern of "rescue missions." If only I got the chance to get deep enough to say, "hey, I can rescue you too" but I seem to not know how to offer that to anyone, let alone myself.

So as I have my moment of sadness, I'm remembering its the season of being thankful and its time for a change. People on facebook that bitch about stuff just irritate me. Some people I just want to punch when they are like oh thank you for cleaning my house and watching my child for the whole weekend. I want to say them, try doing it with the emptiness of a person, alone, isolated, far away, and not having help. Of learning how to survive. Or the months when you have to choose what bills to pay, electricity of grocery bill? Car insurance or car payment? Or moving back at home when you feel like you have failed at life. Having to accept money from people that are kind enough to offer it, because they know you have none, and you know you are going to accept it because its the difference of feeding your kid and having diapers. Of eating saltines for weeks, because its your kid first always. Withstanding verbal abuse and violent outbursts so that you know your kid will be safe. Of being on foodstamps because there was no way you were going to starve or let your kid starve. I didn't come from humble origins, but I sure am ending in that. And you know what, I don't care. And I don't care who knows.  Pawnshops, anything of value, jewelry, tvs, have made the difference of getting all my bills paid. Because really, its materialistic, it will come and go, and we always land on our feet, doesn't matter how. It made me a better person. I'm careful of who I am friends with, because people screw you over. I'm more quick to help others who really need it, because I know that they have no one else. And I know what that is like. I donate everything if I don't use it. Because trust me, someone else is always worse off then you, and they can always use it. Really, brand name is so stupid. Grow up. If its twice as expensive and doesn't have a use, what you spend on it sometimes can be an income for a family of 2 or 3 for a month, maybe two if its a crazy price. And yes, I know some people work hard, and "deserve" it, and those other people must be lazy. But trust me, nothing is secure, nothings lasts forever, except for God, so just watch what you say. I don't judge anymore. I've seen, met, come across all walks of life. Nothing is ever what it seems. I hate drama and manipulative girls. They ruin it for so many who are not like that. I used to be flaky, stand people up, not show up when I say, or say maybe all the time, because I didn't want to upset other people, so I would put the blame on me. But really, I hate to be late. I like to be early. I don't like to keep people waiting. And I've recently adopted the "let your yeses be yes, and your nos be no" because I hate to hear maybe. Just commit or be honest and say no, and then just say why. If someone can't understand why, not your problem or fault-worse shit to lose sleep over. So after my crazy tangent conversation, I am sure you are like get to the point Shannon. I can see your smile, as you say it. God I miss you. You would know exactly what I mean, no questions asked, no judgement passed. Cousin, sometimes I just want to scream, where are you? Why did you go, don't you know we all need you? New resolves, Xander, everyday, more patience. 2 is hard, you are just trying to figure out life, and its so full, and he is only enjoying it, not make it more trifling (although tantrums sometimes seem to feel that way). God, I need him to be a gentleman to girls when he gets older, and be smart, and have good values and a good core system. Makes me feel like I am not doing enough sometimes. Help others, all the time, in whatever way I can. Be more forgiving, and just move forward. Be content, this one seems to be what I'm doing right now. I can say I'm content, I dont want more (except for my minor self-wallowing loneliness tonight, but it will pass, and tomorrow is a new day) and I love everything in my life. And mostly, no more compromising, for me, or for Xander. I refuse to settle, not this time. I want to enjoy everything, from little to big, and I want you to, too, whenever you get here-if you get here.

If I keep going, it will all unfold, and I can't do that not today, but you already know. Say hi for me to my grandma. Miss you both.

Love Shannon

Ocean

Dear Seth,

The currents were strong, rough, almost like white caps and choppy waves. I was looking for answers, that seemed so hard to find. I prayed for change, deliverance, safety, for a life of more than just survival. And it came. It was what I needed, more of a shock than anything, not necessarily an answer I would fight, but as you know from my previous letters, they were really cries for help, of lonliness, of the endless nights and doing it all alone. At least now, I am purged of that shell.

The sea is a little calmer now. Only changes in the current about once a week instead of every few hours like a month ago. I am single. After 8 years. Well I have been for 2 months almost to the day. I remember your letter, from 2003, last one before you were gone, maybe I should have listened. But for all the complaints, I am a mother, first and foremost to the most amazing little boy. And I wouldn't change that for anything. Even on the rough days like today of endless testing, tantrums, and my patience shortly leaving under from me.

At night, when its clear, I feel that "calm before the storm feeling" that most oceans often deceive sailors with. I've been pushed in a corner, and I came out fighting. It will seem to most I have lost, but I keep my head. I am right back where I started when I graduated highschool, except I have a kid, no job, the added "baby daddy" which I won't go into even though it is my right to publicly vent and voice and do what I want, I'm above that, and I moved back home. Privacy and space are a luxury I no longer have. My own rules and tribulations of a household to myself don't exist either. But we have a place to go. A roof over our head. A chance to complete the new school path journey I have started. Xander has a chance to be in a stable, loving, home environment and not daycare. He gets to build a lasting relationship with his grandparents. He gets to stregthen his with mine, and can not be afraid to be a little boy, to scream and laugh and play and test, push boundries, laugh, cry.

And on the day when Xander was born, my life changed, it was that ocean sunset, perfect in evey way, in every color type feeling. I fell in love. Probably with the only boy that loves everything about me and wants to be with me and needs me, and shows me every day. Did you know he will cover me with his blanket, his most prized possession? He looks to me to make sure its okay, knows that no matter what shit hits the fan, he will not be affected, he will be okay, he will always have me, always be okay, because we are together. He knows internally, that its ingrained in him, that where I go, he goes, its not negotiable. I changed my life for him that very earth shattering, horribly painful moment he came into the world. Through all the unsuccessful feedings, projectile vomitting, hospital stays, surgery, my surgery, and us trying to figure out this new life together. We grew together, me and him, him his first year, me, my first year as a mother, as knowing that my life is not my own, that he is always first. I gave up free time, most friends, and we learned to go everywhere together. I know that he doens't nap in the car. He loves country music. Is terrified of recliner chairs with the footrest up, and also hated to have his sheets changed. His newest accomplishment is being in the 10th percentile for weight. He's been on his own weight line curve since about 5 months old, and hasn't been back on since. He's half my height. Who needs the park and toys and swings when you can go for a walk or run up and down the driveway? Who would have thought that at 3 months he had his own room, and at 2 years we are roommates? I love to hear him breath when he sleeps. He's quick to anger in frustration, but I need to remind myself, however frustrated I am, he is twice as much, because he can't say how he is feeling. So yea, I would get frustrated too. He loves to sing, he will sing back and forth with you. Loves musics, guitars and drums. He loves to please, making someone happy and doing the right thing is already so important to him. He loves to help, I want him to do be independent. Remembe when you taught me how to unload the dishwasher at 8? He's already doing it at 2. For better or worse, we are all each other has. But really I would say thats only better.

Now it seems the ocean sets a different pace- three various kinds. One is almost exotic, tropical feel, of warm heart, clear waters, so you know what you see is what you get, but you also know that pretty much its so "tropical" you will never travel that current.  The other, is traveled more as a sometimes current joureny, where there are no lines, no boundaries, you are sometimes drifting off the map, sometimes following the compass. But the ship is efficient, steady, it repairs itself, has the same nuts and bolts caliber as the kind of boat you would want to travel, but its newer, so you aren't sure if it is as reliable as it appears. Can you trust it? Since you know the journey you want to travel, I guess the ship has to prove its relability and acceptance to the path you want to sail with it. The third current, a surprisingly peaceful flow of old and new, faithful, with an air of mystery. It blends with your current sail the most, out of all, but wasn't really anything of any kind of pace you wanted to set. And swimming with the turtles is okay, as it switching to swimming with the dolphins. It's nothing of anything you would have expected, but has the promise to turn into everything you wanted, a sweet, lullaby of seaweed, drifting breeze, a current you would want to sail no matter how the winds have changed ships.

I'm content. With whatever ever ocean I land, whichever one I sail, because I know whats in my boat. No surprises. Its Xander. And Me. And what fits us both. Not what fits anyone else. And in that boat is the truth, and it won't be compromised like I let it so many times. And thats on me, no one else. I won't play dumb game, I can only be me, and if that isn't enough to offer, then I guess I'll know that sooner better than later.  I know that I'm alright, that even being forced to fight, to navigate backwards instead of progressing forward like I should be at 27, could actually be the right kind of "forward"

I miss you, always.

Love Shannon

Take heart

Dear Seth,

Today is the first day in a long time that I shouldered the weight of it. Separating yourself from it, the emotion, wants, and connection, and doing it to get just get the job done and do what you haave to do to survive is not my favorite thing. Especially when the immediate security of my world is rocked and it was unplanned and not my doing. I know its the necessary of being an adult and taking care of your shit, but man is like the worst possible down fall of it.

It takes some 2 million years for stars to form and earth is probably the only planet ever that God made to come together like it did. How incredibley amazing is that? And when I think of that, the day and events and weight of all don't seem to be so much. It doesn't make things be "off the hook" as you might say, but it  sheds the light on my path, and that the short amount of time needed to complete that path isn't forever and certainly isn't the worst the world has ever seen.

I think the worst part is that in order to survive, subconsciously there is always a small wall up, guarding out emotion with fear, to increase control, having the upper hand, and to not be emotional. This way, no one gets hurt. And this way, by not trusting fully and completely my sense of security and stability won't be threatened ever again. Because I'm mad and angry and hurt, feeling like none of tha was considered. Like doing everything I can to get me and mine to where we need to be isn't enough. But really,can I do anymore? Truly no. And this is probably just the processing and compartmentalizing taking place, but it always take a few days to deal with.

So as I  allow myself today to wallow, tomorrow it will not be such. It will be celebration, forgiveness, healing, moving forward, all in the form of survival. And I will take heart, because Jesus encouraged it, and with all that amazingness in that, I have to know that that is what is real, and right.

I love you.

Shannon

I'm Coming Home

Dear Seth,
I'm coming home, Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know the kingdom awaits, and he forgives my mistakes.

This really reasonates with me. Like when you let a horse out at a full gallop, and you just feel the wind and all the speed gathering under you, I feel myself, propelled forward, excited, content. Shit happens to shake you to you core. Happened. Makes you realize you need to get out of your funk. This life so isn't about me. Its about everyone else in it, and my lot, and what I'm doing for that, and how I'm using my gifts, and God and all that connects it. Funny how when my world is threatened, mostly by my own doing, I feel the steel reserve within me, come out, brace against the world, ready to weather whatever storm is around.

I can't live my life by wanting or what others around me are having the good fortunes of jobs, marriage, babies, and such. What I have is my life and all the good things and people in it. Lonliness doesn't bother me as much, only when it comes to him. I've adjusted to having long distance friends but not the close knit proximity of childhood. I don't have regret. And I don't want pity. I'm my own best friend, that and a certain two year old.

I guess this is my letter of resilience. I love you. I miss you. Today is a day where I wish you were here to hang out and give me a hug.

Love
Shannon

Mommy Dearest letter #3

Dearest Xander,

Tomorrow you will be two years old. OMG, I cannot believe it. So here I am, working on your third letter, as promised, one per year, trying to squeeze it in while you are sleeping. This year, has been the year of joy for me. I have come to
the conclusion with your help, that you, your stability, your being, your routine, and needs, come first, and that above all else, nothing else matters. Instead of trying to make our life about schedules and how much we can get done
in a day, I enjoy you, my shadow, and embrace your eagerness, with slowed lessons of “helping” with laundry, lunch making, cleaning, groceries, learning, walks, school, phone calls, car rides, errands, and talking about anything and
everything under the sun. So we enjoy the day, at a slowed pace, taking everything that comes our way, head on.



1) “Becausea thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible.” –Marcus Aurelius. I’m not gonna lie, even since before you were born, the deck has been stacked against you, in one way or another. Status, birth, surgeries, growth, milestones, all these have been based, tracked, on what the “doctors” think an average is, as if you can truly gage a human’s accomplishments, or deduce an achievement to a statistic that labels you “under” or “average” or “over.” But you, you smile, you learn, you laugh your way through, and in my opinion you come out better and smarter than most.

2) “Tis better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else perfectly.” –Elizabeth Gilbert I want you to not be afraid to mess up, to know that it will happen, that failing is part of learning. Don’t compare yourself to others, because really, that is the only kind of failure you can commit in life-doing yourself the injustice of not being you. Follow your passion, your gut, your instincts. They won’t fail you. And I will be there, to help pick you up, brush you off, and try again-Always. No matter what. There is nothing you can’t do where I won’t love you.

3) “This is the greatest gift God can give to you:To understand what happened in your life. It is the peace you are searching for.” Mitch Albom It is natural for your soul to long for God, to want friends, to understand your purpose, all those are threaded together. So by doing the first, the rest will fall together. When you feel your soul thirsty, water it, and don’t put off the inevitable. Take care of what you can today, and God will fill you up, with something that people never can.

4) “Never forget that once upon a time; in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” Elizabeth Gilbert. I think that what I have learned most in life, especially the past year, as my life has come down to a small scope of people that you have to be your own best friend, you have to be okay with yourself where you are in life, and if you can do that, you will never be scared at the times in life when you have to be alone. That you can face life, fears, troubles, without people, but also take comfort in knowing you are never alone. I am with
you, in your heart, always, and God will always be there for you.

5) “You know you are in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss. Love and hope is what makes life bearable. Always remember the stars have nothing on you, so reach for them, with people, dreams, opportunities. Fight for love always, never give up on, and remember, it is not always fairytales, more often than not, it is compromise, tears, and hard work, but oh so always worth it.

6) “Sometimes we have just one chance to change it, and then it is gone, and never comes
again.” –Billie Letts. Remember that life can change in an instant, as quick as the intake of a breath. We always
have meanness in us, but we have to let go of that, and hang onto each other, and the good in us, and that’s the only thing worth living for, always is the good. And we have to pass that on, and make the most of everyday, because, like
I said, things can change in an instant. So you have to make God the constant, and ride it out.

7) “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve brought a big bat. I’m all ready you see, now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.” Dr. Seuss. Honestly, I think Seuss was a genius. With a few witty rhymes, he made life advice for more people, than most will ever realize. I cannot guarantee our life will ever be easy. Some troubles I can stop, some I cannot. And also know that I won’t always be able to help you, but I will try my hardest…always. Some can be solved with
money, some with a decision, all with prayer. I will always have a bat ready for you, to help you beat down what troubles we can, so that trouble will hate when it sees us at its back. And never, please never, feel like you are a
burden for us, or that you cause trouble. Because you are the furthest from that.

8) “Sometimes the questions are complicated, and the answers are simple.” Dr. Seuss. This, is
sometimes the epitome to the core of many of life’s ‘gray’ issues, or questions. You will face many questions, some appropriate, some not, most funny, some heartbreaking. I promise we will always try for the simple answer, but just remember, even if it does turn out to be simple, you may not like it. But you have to learn to accept it, and be okay with it. Whatever the answer is to whatever question you want to ask.

9) “To all the lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love.” –One
Tree Hill. I loved this show, in highschool, and when I first started dating your dad and crazy enough, it is still on now, even when you are 2. I think mostly, if you let what you love do what it’s supposed to, it will heal you, help you not be bitter, and the thing that numbers measure can start to be used for things that matter, your heart, your words, your dreams, and all because you just chose to believe in the power of love, of what it can do for you.

10) “The rest of your life is a long time, and whether you know it or not, its being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices, or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair, in the real world, that’s just the way it is, but for the most part, you get what you give. What’s worse, not getting what you wished for or getting it, and finding out it’s not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time, and it starts right now.” –One Tree Hill…so yeah, pretty self explanatory. It just covered so much, and I wanted you to hear it, know it, and follow it.

11) “Move forward, fall back, life’s like that.” –Show credit for a tv show called Mercy.Kind of a life motto. Sometimes your up, sometimes your down. But its life, so accept it, and instead of fighting it, make the best of it.

12) “If you’re out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold, All you gotta do is call my name, and I’ll be there on the next train.”-From the Gilmore Girls song credit. Funny, whenever you hear this song right now, you stop what you are doing, runto the tv and just gaze with your eyes open. You love this song. When you do this, I say “It’s your song.” And you get so excited and happy. And if you don't believe me, lol, I have it on video. But really, its true. Whenever you are sad or lonely, whether you live with me, or are a grown adult, I am always just a phone call away, or whenever needed, I will fly, travel, run, just to get to you. I love you. Everything I ever did or chose, lead me to you. Can’t argue with that.

So heres to a year of the 2’s. They say, its horrible, that you will give us hell. But really, so far, you just test your boundaries, and once you know they don’t change, you smile, stay within them, and are my handsome, singing, adoring shadow. Whom I would be lost without.

I love you always,

Momma

China Doll

Dear Seth,


Remember the story I mailed to you, years ago, the "catch you when you fall" one? At somepoint I will post it up here, but I feel her shadows, creeping round. I look at myself and I see the ugliness crowding out around the white porcelian skin that lies around my inner core and my heart. I want to be beautiful. I want to be the only face he sees and have him have some irristable urge to have me be at the inner core of most things. Not in a way where like its before God or anything sacreligious in that sense.

I see the marks, the scars of pregnancy, the evil trying to cover me up. Just when you start to identify evil, it seems to transform itself into something else. I just want to be myself, believer, rebellion, goody-tissues all in one. Is that even possible? I don't know anymore.....

Maybe I'll be back with some more, but for now, this is all I can come up with.

Love,

Shannon

Bumbly Jumbly

Dear Seth,

America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.

I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.

I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.

I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.

I promise to write better next time.

Love Shannon

Coming together.

Dear Seth,

I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.

I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.

I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.

The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.

And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.

And know I have peace that it is all coming together.

I miss you more each day.

Love,

Shannon

Racing to win

Dear Seth,

This is an amazingly long day, where I have been waiting for the end to come only to settle in for a hot shower, my Monday night tv show, a yummy drink, and a chance to write. The first part of the day was rocky, feeling mostly like a continuous disappointment to those all around me. Sometimes I think to much time at home makes it worse.

On other news,  I'm ready to join the race. I started the first part of my list, so that feels good. I've made a schedule, laid out some stuff for me to follow in regards to exercise, Xander, his needs, school, and my family and I have a direction. "For this race". I'm going to check out a church this weekend. I'm nervous to go alone, but excited for the fellowship. Excited for a new direction. Moving, school, my family, a step in the right direction.

"Remember that in a race everyone runs but only one person gets the prize. You must also run in such a way you will win." -1 Corinthians 9:24

This wasn't really one for a purpose, just a random bubble of my thoughts kind of all the place. But just the same, I always feel better talking to you.

Love always,

Shannon

Lost Soul

Dear Seth,

Well, I've gotten the hang of this blog thing, and now that I have a direction, a desire for it, I think this will be where I talk to you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I cry, because you were my go to person, my confidante. You knew all my ups and downs and mistakes and dreams-no one else really got it. And maybe by talking to you, you will still know and it will still be like we are talking like we did.

 I tried to be helpfull to a lost soul from a few years back, and was just trying to hold her accountable, and it ended in hurtful truths and name calling, but nonetheless, I did what I could and said nothing more then what was already known and I can't do anything different.

I read this verse today:
"You are the light of the world, like a city on a moutain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead put in on a nightstand and let it shine fo all." ~Matthew 5:14-15

After being at home, with a child, working, taking care of others, trying to set goals and achieve them, and be all this stuff for everyone I seem to have lost my light. Its definetely not shining for all to see. I'm tired of trying to downplay who I am at times or what I think or believe. You always encouraged me to be the opposite. I just feel so lost sometimes, and it has nothing to do with my child, or relationships, but me as a whole, separate from all that. I'm making steps to change that, or try to, but sometimes it feels as if those are backward steps, or that if I am not making them at all.

I read your letters a month or so ago. First time in awhile but it was so good to hear your voice through them. It reminds me that I don't want to miss out on my time with God. That his grace will follow me wherever I go. Mistakes I have made. Lord knows that I have made many. And so many were of the worst kind and at the time of the worst offense, or that it felt like it. Sometimes its just to hard to believe that his blood will cover me always. God will repair the damage and restore what was lost right?

Maybe making a list, right here and now, between you and me and the one above, will help. Because it is writing, posted, and made as a bond between all.
1) Make amends
2) Finish what I start
3) Stick to the path
4) Never falter with unconditional love for Him and him and him
5) Take care of myself
6) Try and be a good example always
7) Not to l anymore and no more a. Ever. Ever.

A disagreement came about between a old friend. It almost broke my heart yesterday. Some my doing, some hers. I hope a bridge can be built between the rifts that have come about. I love you. I'll be back soon.

Love,

Shannon

Embracing Life

Dear Seth,

This week my family has been sick, sick, and more sick!  Sick with colds, flu, exhaustion and many other little ailments along the way. I wonder if we can conside whining one? Lol  It has been a vicious cycle which really took its toll on our spirits and had us wondering if we were ever going to be “us” again. 

Today is the anniversary of the death of my cousin that was probably more like a brother than just a cousin to me in all honesty. It makes me sad to see all that has happened and he is not here, bu then again, he has the best seat in the house with God and my grandma. There was a huge tornado that hit close to home for a lot of families.

Now with all that being said, it kind of make me just want to push back against the world to say we are all still standing, and that although some our down, we are not out. Gratitude is something that comes to all of us eventually, kids or no kids, as we face enough of life’s challenges and come to the sobering realization that life can be really, really, really hard and unpleasant and downright awful sometimes. Believe me when I tell you that when you face enough shouts from angry customers or red marks from hard to please professors and disrespectful comments from disrespectful people who are supposed to know better, you learn really quickly how to be grateful for those who approach life and humanity in the way that God intended…with respect and courtesy and love.

And I think that I just would like to embrace this and stop putting off all the plans to do better or be better. Take what we have and make those blessings multiply and to share with others. So afer I recover tomorrow, I just want to embrace life, make it time for a change, move forward and stick with that. So to all those who are with me, lets just stopping off our tomorrows and live for today.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9, 10

I love you, I'll be back soon.

Love,

Shannon

Concept of Grace

Dear Seth,

It is not that we keep His commandments first, and that then He
loves; but that He loves us, and then we keep His commandments.
This is that grace, which is revealed to the humble, but hidden
from the proud.

-- St. Augustine of Hippo

I think I want to be that, that concept of grace. I want to embrace kindness, and just sort of have it ooze out. I'm sure ooze is not the appropriate word to link with kindness, but its appropriate image. It seems of late, that when I have more to worry about, I truly stress less. I pace myself, I gather whats important, and then it would seem as soon as you are back on top, I forge ahead back to where I was, forgetting all the lessons of "struggle" and sliding back into the other.

I have known hunger where you only eat once a-day because you just won't have any other food left if you don't stretch it out. I have had so much food it get's wasted. I have embraced those in need and been screwed over, and in turn let myself be embraced so that I can be helped and tried to not pass on the pattern of doing that to others. I certainly have been exposed to lavish opportunity, and also the other extreme, a day-by-day struggle of getting by. I have shared everything from myself, to a home and the end result is always having a guard up, wondering what someone wants from me before starting to trust.

Life cannot be lived like that. Especially as a mother, I can't teach that to my child. I wouldn't want to. Life will hold enough of that for him as he is older. I would like to make changes. To know that life has educated me to be cautious but always kind. To give always, with no thoughts of anything in return. To always work hard but have faith that God will provide, or give the opportunity to work for that provision. Now's as good as time as any.....like Jax said "It's time for a change."

Most of it won't be instant gratification. It won't be easy. Truly, it will be a life-long battle. But I'm tired of the wishy-washyness. I'm exhausted of the endless disconnect between me and my soul. I know this wasn't a blog entry that is life changing or even interesting, but some have the duty of being this way to make the others more exciting right?

I miss you. I'll write again soon.

Love,
Shannon

Today's mountain peak is yesterday's valley.....

Dear Seth,

“For you are my God, my only safe haven. Why have you tossed me aside?” Psalm 43:2

Where did it go – the glow, the easy praise, the comfort/joy/inspiration/insight/peace? Better yet, where did He go? And eventually I get around to the real question – where did I go? I’ll be honest, I’ve been spoiled…rotten to the core. I have no right to complain…none whatsoever. The good Lord has been exceedingly good to me. He has walked with me, talked with me, carried me, pushed me, challenged me…He has led me, very closely, up and over some dangerously steep climbs. I have asked; He has answered. I have poured my heart out; He has filled it right back up. I have screwed up big time; He has allowed me the grace to give it another go.
But now all of that is gone and my soul aches for its return. I know, I know…it’s all part of His plan, there are many different seasons to this life, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away (is that really in the Bible somewhere??), it’s all part of growing up, He is testing my faith…blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, yeah…tell that to somebody who is ready to accept it. Me? Not so much…not yet, not now. Has He forgotten that I’m still in the thick of battle? Doesn’t He know that we’re not out of the woods yet, that this life transformation he dropped on us isn’t complete and we aren’t yet ready to do this on our own? He may have pushed me out of the nest, but this little bird isn’t ready to fly!!! 

“But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.” Psalm 42:8

Why couldn’t I hear all of that before? Why didn’t I trust Him to protect me like He said He would? Why did I fear the change He was leading me through? Why didn’t I hear that before…why wasn’t I listening?
Aw, man…I really screwed this one up, didn’t I? I was too busy crying and wailing and kicking and begging and screaming…and doubting…I was too busy with all of that to listen, to hear, and to trust. The moment (the moment!) God didn’t answer, is the instant I began to doubt. And when He didn’t immediately put answer I was so upset that I couldn’t see Him standing there all along. I couldn’t hear Him cheering me on. I wasn’t listening. I was so focused on the wrong He had done to me that I didn’t hear him say those words, you can do it, I believe in you, I am here for you,…I’ll catch you if you fall…I’ll heal you if you hurt…keep your eyes on me, I’ll show you how this is done…I’ll always be here,  to experience your joys with you when you succeed and suffer your hurts with you when you fail…to challenge you, to push you, to teach you, to love you no matter how far away from me you ever go…………..

So todays Mountain peak is yesterday's valley of keeping on and having faith and trusting. Why is it the easiest concept is the hardest thing to do? So here's to today.

I miss you. I'll write again soon

Love,

Shannon

Letter to Xander #2- One year

Dear Seth,

You would be proud of the mother I am growing up to being. I thought you would like this letter I wrote to Xander to share with you, as I have shared my stories and other thoughts with you.

My Dear Sweet child,

You are now one year of age.Almost 21 months ago I discovered my life would change. I vow to you that each year you get older I will write you a letter.

I have 12 valuable lessons so far, one for each month that you have aged.

For your first month of life I had to learn to be asseretive and tell people the truth. When I said you were the cutest boy to EVER exist it is no lie. And trust me, when I tell you that if I had an opinion about what someone wore or looked like that didn't necessarily agree with me, you would know. I also learned I am a bit of a germ aphobe. But on a serious note, I learned my life was about to change and it was all about you and your schedule.

For your second month of life I learned to trust my instincts or what you might know as a mother's intuition. You were not gaining weight quickly like most newborns do and after several weight check visits, phone calls to the advice line, arguments with your pediatrician at the time, that trip to the ER where they rushed us in an ambulance and said that you were to undergo surgery and cut up your esophagus to help you hold down food and gain nutrients I knew that I would never again doubt that knawing sensation about that everyone else was wrong. I will follow these instincts always to reflect your best interests health and otherwise.

For your third month of life we sort of all just finally breathing and we developed into a routine of things as you were better from your surgery and gaining weight. I think I learned that I need to take care of myself to be able to best take care of you.

At four months I learned to let you get independence and that it was okay for you to cry. I can't always fix everything for you. This also was handy to ensure you slept through the night. By yourself.

At five months I learned there are no guarantees, with anything and to have faith. If God takes care of the sparrow he will most certainly care for you too.

At six months I learned repitition was the key. I eventually convinced you the spoon was not an enemy invading your mouth. We have since been applying this in other areas, but mostly the point is that you are smart, and learn quickly.

At seven months I learned you were my favorite birthday present. But also that your trust in me is not something I ever would want to shatter as we discovered different foods together that you did and did not like but you always trusted me and tried at least one bite. Note that we are still working on this now, but big boy foods and another lesson stems from this but I am getting ahead of myself as I sometimes tend to do.

At eight months I learned the true enjoyment of being a mom because you were just discovering so much and were so happy, nothing really seems to shake your outlook. So take heart, I am trying to follow your lead.

At nine months I learned that family is what helps you get through the bad things. That really, thats what its all about, to keep going and band together. You kept us going through some rough times.

At ten months I learned that to let your grow I had to "sort of" let you go as you entered day care and left the somewhat bubble you and I had made together. It was hard to share you with the world, first from leaving my belly, to entering, to growing. But as you will discover we will always be altering this a bit, but I will never really leave you and that mommmy always comes back.

At eleven months I learned PATIENCE. And I don't think this will be my only time. I am trying to expand your diet of food and teach you the joys of delicious whole fruit and some of the naughtys like candy and french frieds. You will get there in your own time and I cannot rush that. I should know that by now, but like I said, I am learning patience. I can't promise that I will ever perfect this trait. I am somewhat of the impatient nature.

And finally, at twelve months, it sort of fits with the above. I have to let you be your own person, but its kind of fun watching you decide what is so funny that you laugh from your belly, and watching you decide that you don't like something. Things always change. There is no guarantee. But I will always be your mom, I will always love you no matter what, and nothing you could ever do will change either of those.

I love you so much,

Momma

Miss you.

Shannon

Letter to Xander #1 - Newborn

Dear Seth,

Here is the first letter to Xander. Hope you like it. P.S. Isn't his picture cute?

My dear, sweet child,

This is the only letter I’ve written to someone who isn’t even in this world yet. I wonder what it’s like for you where you are now. I wonder if you’re getting impatient with me and anxious at the same time to come into this world like I am to meet you. I imagine you may be a little nervous too; it’s a scary place sometimes. But don’t worry—I’ll take good care of you.
I dream about you a lot. I picture you as a handsome little baby boy with your dad’s blue eyes and big head. I can’t wait to meet you, but let’s not be too hasty—first things first.
1) Always love your father. Show him the respect that he deserves. Show him your respect with words and actions, obey him, listen to his counsel, for he is wise in many ways and will be a great source of guidance to you. Your father will always be there for you. We will always be there for you. If I can give you a few pieces of knowledge, then let the first be that I love your father; I love him more than life itself. And he always fights for and protects his own.
2) You will always have someone looking out for you. I want you to come into your beliefs at your own time, but know that there is no greater feeling of peace in the world when He is the one who is your center and looks out for you.
3) You are a special little boy, always know you are here for a specific purpose. You will reach many people within your lifetime. You will have great influence to stand for the truth and righteousness in your thoughts, words, and actions. You will lift the hands that hang low and comfort the heavy hearted with words of truth that bring peace. You’re life will be one of light and influence, so always make smart choices, and think ahead to the consequences and not just in the here and now of the moment.
4) Know that only you are in charge of your destiny and no one else. You make things happen, they don’t just happen. Try to always look at the glass half full. Worry won’t get you anywhere but just make you feel heavy hearted.
5) Some days you have will be bad. So if you flunk a test, have a really bad break up, or miss someone so much it hurts, lay down and listen to music. Music will help save your life and get you through the bumps in the road.
6) When you choose your friends, choose wisely. My best friend is someone who is funny, intelligent, creative, beautifule, and very kind. So if you are ever in any kind of trouble and your dad and I are not around, know you can always, call Mary. I can’t think of anyone I would rather have watch over you.

I hope you understand how big of a life change this will be for both your father and I. I thought I’d be at a different part of my life when I was ready to have you, but lately I’ve been thinking about you all the time. I think your dad and I are both ready for you to be here. I’m not saying things are going to be perfect right away… actually they’ll never be perfect. If I’ve learned anything in my 25 years of life, it’s that things don’t always go the way you plan. But I’m a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. No matter the challenges we face as a family, I promise to love you more than anything.

I’ve heard it said time and again that once a mother holds her baby in her arms, the amount of love that swells in her heart is overwhelming. It’s something I’ve been told I can’t imagine until I experience it. For me, it’s not that hard to believe, actually. Though we haven’t met, I love you already. I know my love for you can only grow, and I’m excited for that. I’m excited to meet you. I pray for you to be happy and healthy. I only want the best for you. I thank God for you.


Love,

Your Mommy

Love Shannon

Thirsty

Dear Seth,

Remember all our letters of feeling lonely and hungry for God?

It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve spoken and I don’t know how to get “us” back in the groove. It really wasn’t that long ago it seemed like we were inseparable, speaking each others’ language, finishing each others’ sentences…we were clearly reading from the same playbook! But now things have changed and we can’t seem to connect…are you even trying? I know I am…trying, longing, aching for that connection, pining for that spark, that energy that you and I once shared.
Was it something I said? Something I did? Did I disappoint you or embarrass you in front of your people? I know, I know…I got busy and I didn’t put in the time like before. I had things that had to get done, things you asked me to do, you know. I didn’t ask for all of this, but I got it and I was just trying to do the best I could with what I was given. Did I take it too far and get too wrapped up in the “work” for your liking? Is that what this is all about? You know my heart never left you; you know it has always been and always will be for you and you alone. So why are you treating me this way? Why are you so…absent?

You know, I really could have used your help back there. I cried out for you over and over again, but got nothing in return. It was like I was under water, gasping for air and you were up above with your hand on my head, holding me down to see how long I could go before I gave up the fight. My cousins used to do that to me and I came to expect that sort of thing from them, but now you too? Never would have guessed it…but I guess I guessed wrong. You had it within you to end my pain, to take away the struggle and the fight and yet you did nothing…why? Were you trying to teach me a lesson…to earn my respect (or was it fear?)…were you trying to push me away?
I don’t get sometimes why you have to make it so hard, you know? Don’t you think that you’ve given me enough to deal with? Would it kill you to throw me a lifeline every once in awhile, to give me some relief? You say you love me, you say you’d die for me, you say you hurt when I hurt, but do you really? I’ve never even seen you cry. You say the hard times make us stronger and bring us closer together…you say the beauty of our relationship can only be seen on the other side of the storm. But are those just words, just a simple mind trick to keep me happy even when I have every reason in the world not to be?

Why would you treat me this way and let me hurt this way if you really loved me? You say I only have time for you when I need something from you, but isn’t it the other way around? Seems like all you want from me is praise and time and attention…it’s always all about you, isn’t it? And the moment (the moment!) I take my eyes off of you, you punish me like some kind of petulant school boy would do. Would a mother get away with treating her child this way and expect thata child to love unconditionally in the end? Would a man treat a woman this way and hope to have a loving relationship?

Where is this thing going? Where are we headed? Is there a point to all of this or are we just killing time, waiting for our number to be called? You’ve made lots of promises, you’ve set the expectations higher than I could imagine…are you really going to come through? Or is this just another one of your mind games, another hit of medication to keep me happily sedated as I wander through this fog you call life? What does it all mean? Why are you so maddeningly cryptic all of the time?? Are you even listening to me?? God? Are you there?

Learning that hope is neither foreign or fleeting, and sometimes it feels like the training wheels never came off.

I love you. Lets try and not be strangers.

Love Shannon