Lost Soul

Dear Seth,

Well, I've gotten the hang of this blog thing, and now that I have a direction, a desire for it, I think this will be where I talk to you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I cry, because you were my go to person, my confidante. You knew all my ups and downs and mistakes and dreams-no one else really got it. And maybe by talking to you, you will still know and it will still be like we are talking like we did.

 I tried to be helpfull to a lost soul from a few years back, and was just trying to hold her accountable, and it ended in hurtful truths and name calling, but nonetheless, I did what I could and said nothing more then what was already known and I can't do anything different.

I read this verse today:
"You are the light of the world, like a city on a moutain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead put in on a nightstand and let it shine fo all." ~Matthew 5:14-15

After being at home, with a child, working, taking care of others, trying to set goals and achieve them, and be all this stuff for everyone I seem to have lost my light. Its definetely not shining for all to see. I'm tired of trying to downplay who I am at times or what I think or believe. You always encouraged me to be the opposite. I just feel so lost sometimes, and it has nothing to do with my child, or relationships, but me as a whole, separate from all that. I'm making steps to change that, or try to, but sometimes it feels as if those are backward steps, or that if I am not making them at all.

I read your letters a month or so ago. First time in awhile but it was so good to hear your voice through them. It reminds me that I don't want to miss out on my time with God. That his grace will follow me wherever I go. Mistakes I have made. Lord knows that I have made many. And so many were of the worst kind and at the time of the worst offense, or that it felt like it. Sometimes its just to hard to believe that his blood will cover me always. God will repair the damage and restore what was lost right?

Maybe making a list, right here and now, between you and me and the one above, will help. Because it is writing, posted, and made as a bond between all.
1) Make amends
2) Finish what I start
3) Stick to the path
4) Never falter with unconditional love for Him and him and him
5) Take care of myself
6) Try and be a good example always
7) Not to l anymore and no more a. Ever. Ever.

A disagreement came about between a old friend. It almost broke my heart yesterday. Some my doing, some hers. I hope a bridge can be built between the rifts that have come about. I love you. I'll be back soon.

Love,

Shannon