Thirsty

Dear Seth,

Remember all our letters of feeling lonely and hungry for God?

It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve spoken and I don’t know how to get “us” back in the groove. It really wasn’t that long ago it seemed like we were inseparable, speaking each others’ language, finishing each others’ sentences…we were clearly reading from the same playbook! But now things have changed and we can’t seem to connect…are you even trying? I know I am…trying, longing, aching for that connection, pining for that spark, that energy that you and I once shared.
Was it something I said? Something I did? Did I disappoint you or embarrass you in front of your people? I know, I know…I got busy and I didn’t put in the time like before. I had things that had to get done, things you asked me to do, you know. I didn’t ask for all of this, but I got it and I was just trying to do the best I could with what I was given. Did I take it too far and get too wrapped up in the “work” for your liking? Is that what this is all about? You know my heart never left you; you know it has always been and always will be for you and you alone. So why are you treating me this way? Why are you so…absent?

You know, I really could have used your help back there. I cried out for you over and over again, but got nothing in return. It was like I was under water, gasping for air and you were up above with your hand on my head, holding me down to see how long I could go before I gave up the fight. My cousins used to do that to me and I came to expect that sort of thing from them, but now you too? Never would have guessed it…but I guess I guessed wrong. You had it within you to end my pain, to take away the struggle and the fight and yet you did nothing…why? Were you trying to teach me a lesson…to earn my respect (or was it fear?)…were you trying to push me away?
I don’t get sometimes why you have to make it so hard, you know? Don’t you think that you’ve given me enough to deal with? Would it kill you to throw me a lifeline every once in awhile, to give me some relief? You say you love me, you say you’d die for me, you say you hurt when I hurt, but do you really? I’ve never even seen you cry. You say the hard times make us stronger and bring us closer together…you say the beauty of our relationship can only be seen on the other side of the storm. But are those just words, just a simple mind trick to keep me happy even when I have every reason in the world not to be?

Why would you treat me this way and let me hurt this way if you really loved me? You say I only have time for you when I need something from you, but isn’t it the other way around? Seems like all you want from me is praise and time and attention…it’s always all about you, isn’t it? And the moment (the moment!) I take my eyes off of you, you punish me like some kind of petulant school boy would do. Would a mother get away with treating her child this way and expect thata child to love unconditionally in the end? Would a man treat a woman this way and hope to have a loving relationship?

Where is this thing going? Where are we headed? Is there a point to all of this or are we just killing time, waiting for our number to be called? You’ve made lots of promises, you’ve set the expectations higher than I could imagine…are you really going to come through? Or is this just another one of your mind games, another hit of medication to keep me happily sedated as I wander through this fog you call life? What does it all mean? Why are you so maddeningly cryptic all of the time?? Are you even listening to me?? God? Are you there?

Learning that hope is neither foreign or fleeting, and sometimes it feels like the training wheels never came off.

I love you. Lets try and not be strangers.

Love Shannon