Take heart

Dear Seth,

Today is the first day in a long time that I shouldered the weight of it. Separating yourself from it, the emotion, wants, and connection, and doing it to get just get the job done and do what you haave to do to survive is not my favorite thing. Especially when the immediate security of my world is rocked and it was unplanned and not my doing. I know its the necessary of being an adult and taking care of your shit, but man is like the worst possible down fall of it.

It takes some 2 million years for stars to form and earth is probably the only planet ever that God made to come together like it did. How incredibley amazing is that? And when I think of that, the day and events and weight of all don't seem to be so much. It doesn't make things be "off the hook" as you might say, but it  sheds the light on my path, and that the short amount of time needed to complete that path isn't forever and certainly isn't the worst the world has ever seen.

I think the worst part is that in order to survive, subconsciously there is always a small wall up, guarding out emotion with fear, to increase control, having the upper hand, and to not be emotional. This way, no one gets hurt. And this way, by not trusting fully and completely my sense of security and stability won't be threatened ever again. Because I'm mad and angry and hurt, feeling like none of tha was considered. Like doing everything I can to get me and mine to where we need to be isn't enough. But really,can I do anymore? Truly no. And this is probably just the processing and compartmentalizing taking place, but it always take a few days to deal with.

So as I  allow myself today to wallow, tomorrow it will not be such. It will be celebration, forgiveness, healing, moving forward, all in the form of survival. And I will take heart, because Jesus encouraged it, and with all that amazingness in that, I have to know that that is what is real, and right.

I love you.

Shannon

I'm Coming Home

Dear Seth,
I'm coming home, Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know the kingdom awaits, and he forgives my mistakes.

This really reasonates with me. Like when you let a horse out at a full gallop, and you just feel the wind and all the speed gathering under you, I feel myself, propelled forward, excited, content. Shit happens to shake you to you core. Happened. Makes you realize you need to get out of your funk. This life so isn't about me. Its about everyone else in it, and my lot, and what I'm doing for that, and how I'm using my gifts, and God and all that connects it. Funny how when my world is threatened, mostly by my own doing, I feel the steel reserve within me, come out, brace against the world, ready to weather whatever storm is around.

I can't live my life by wanting or what others around me are having the good fortunes of jobs, marriage, babies, and such. What I have is my life and all the good things and people in it. Lonliness doesn't bother me as much, only when it comes to him. I've adjusted to having long distance friends but not the close knit proximity of childhood. I don't have regret. And I don't want pity. I'm my own best friend, that and a certain two year old.

I guess this is my letter of resilience. I love you. I miss you. Today is a day where I wish you were here to hang out and give me a hug.

Love
Shannon