Dear Seth,
Remember the story I mailed to you, years ago, the "catch you when you fall" one? At somepoint I will post it up here, but I feel her shadows, creeping round. I look at myself and I see the ugliness crowding out around the white porcelian skin that lies around my inner core and my heart. I want to be beautiful. I want to be the only face he sees and have him have some irristable urge to have me be at the inner core of most things. Not in a way where like its before God or anything sacreligious in that sense.
I see the marks, the scars of pregnancy, the evil trying to cover me up. Just when you start to identify evil, it seems to transform itself into something else. I just want to be myself, believer, rebellion, goody-tissues all in one. Is that even possible? I don't know anymore.....
Maybe I'll be back with some more, but for now, this is all I can come up with.
Love,
Shannon
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Bumbly Jumbly
Dear Seth,
America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.
I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.
I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.
I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.
I promise to write better next time.
Love Shannon
America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.
I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.
I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.
I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.
I promise to write better next time.
Love Shannon
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Coming together.
Dear Seth,
I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.
I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.
I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.
The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.
And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.
And know I have peace that it is all coming together.
I miss you more each day.
Love,
Shannon
I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.
I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.
I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.
The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.
And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.
And know I have peace that it is all coming together.
I miss you more each day.
Love,
Shannon
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