Monday, May 30, 2011

Racing to win

Dear Seth,

This is an amazingly long day, where I have been waiting for the end to come only to settle in for a hot shower, my Monday night tv show, a yummy drink, and a chance to write. The first part of the day was rocky, feeling mostly like a continuous disappointment to those all around me. Sometimes I think to much time at home makes it worse.

On other news,  I'm ready to join the race. I started the first part of my list, so that feels good. I've made a schedule, laid out some stuff for me to follow in regards to exercise, Xander, his needs, school, and my family and I have a direction. "For this race". I'm going to check out a church this weekend. I'm nervous to go alone, but excited for the fellowship. Excited for a new direction. Moving, school, my family, a step in the right direction.

"Remember that in a race everyone runs but only one person gets the prize. You must also run in such a way you will win." -1 Corinthians 9:24

This wasn't really one for a purpose, just a random bubble of my thoughts kind of all the place. But just the same, I always feel better talking to you.

Love always,

Shannon

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Lost Soul

Dear Seth,

Well, I've gotten the hang of this blog thing, and now that I have a direction, a desire for it, I think this will be where I talk to you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I cry, because you were my go to person, my confidante. You knew all my ups and downs and mistakes and dreams-no one else really got it. And maybe by talking to you, you will still know and it will still be like we are talking like we did.

 I tried to be helpfull to a lost soul from a few years back, and was just trying to hold her accountable, and it ended in hurtful truths and name calling, but nonetheless, I did what I could and said nothing more then what was already known and I can't do anything different.

I read this verse today:
"You are the light of the world, like a city on a moutain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead put in on a nightstand and let it shine fo all." ~Matthew 5:14-15

After being at home, with a child, working, taking care of others, trying to set goals and achieve them, and be all this stuff for everyone I seem to have lost my light. Its definetely not shining for all to see. I'm tired of trying to downplay who I am at times or what I think or believe. You always encouraged me to be the opposite. I just feel so lost sometimes, and it has nothing to do with my child, or relationships, but me as a whole, separate from all that. I'm making steps to change that, or try to, but sometimes it feels as if those are backward steps, or that if I am not making them at all.

I read your letters a month or so ago. First time in awhile but it was so good to hear your voice through them. It reminds me that I don't want to miss out on my time with God. That his grace will follow me wherever I go. Mistakes I have made. Lord knows that I have made many. And so many were of the worst kind and at the time of the worst offense, or that it felt like it. Sometimes its just to hard to believe that his blood will cover me always. God will repair the damage and restore what was lost right?

Maybe making a list, right here and now, between you and me and the one above, will help. Because it is writing, posted, and made as a bond between all.
1) Make amends
2) Finish what I start
3) Stick to the path
4) Never falter with unconditional love for Him and him and him
5) Take care of myself
6) Try and be a good example always
7) Not to l anymore and no more a. Ever. Ever.

A disagreement came about between a old friend. It almost broke my heart yesterday. Some my doing, some hers. I hope a bridge can be built between the rifts that have come about. I love you. I'll be back soon.

Love,

Shannon

Monday, May 23, 2011

Embracing Life

Dear Seth,

This week my family has been sick, sick, and more sick!  Sick with colds, flu, exhaustion and many other little ailments along the way. I wonder if we can conside whining one? Lol  It has been a vicious cycle which really took its toll on our spirits and had us wondering if we were ever going to be “us” again. 

Today is the anniversary of the death of my cousin that was probably more like a brother than just a cousin to me in all honesty. It makes me sad to see all that has happened and he is not here, bu then again, he has the best seat in the house with God and my grandma. There was a huge tornado that hit close to home for a lot of families.

Now with all that being said, it kind of make me just want to push back against the world to say we are all still standing, and that although some our down, we are not out. Gratitude is something that comes to all of us eventually, kids or no kids, as we face enough of life’s challenges and come to the sobering realization that life can be really, really, really hard and unpleasant and downright awful sometimes. Believe me when I tell you that when you face enough shouts from angry customers or red marks from hard to please professors and disrespectful comments from disrespectful people who are supposed to know better, you learn really quickly how to be grateful for those who approach life and humanity in the way that God intended…with respect and courtesy and love.

And I think that I just would like to embrace this and stop putting off all the plans to do better or be better. Take what we have and make those blessings multiply and to share with others. So afer I recover tomorrow, I just want to embrace life, make it time for a change, move forward and stick with that. So to all those who are with me, lets just stopping off our tomorrows and live for today.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9, 10

I love you, I'll be back soon.

Love,

Shannon

Friday, May 20, 2011

Concept of Grace

Dear Seth,

It is not that we keep His commandments first, and that then He
loves; but that He loves us, and then we keep His commandments.
This is that grace, which is revealed to the humble, but hidden
from the proud.

-- St. Augustine of Hippo

I think I want to be that, that concept of grace. I want to embrace kindness, and just sort of have it ooze out. I'm sure ooze is not the appropriate word to link with kindness, but its appropriate image. It seems of late, that when I have more to worry about, I truly stress less. I pace myself, I gather whats important, and then it would seem as soon as you are back on top, I forge ahead back to where I was, forgetting all the lessons of "struggle" and sliding back into the other.

I have known hunger where you only eat once a-day because you just won't have any other food left if you don't stretch it out. I have had so much food it get's wasted. I have embraced those in need and been screwed over, and in turn let myself be embraced so that I can be helped and tried to not pass on the pattern of doing that to others. I certainly have been exposed to lavish opportunity, and also the other extreme, a day-by-day struggle of getting by. I have shared everything from myself, to a home and the end result is always having a guard up, wondering what someone wants from me before starting to trust.

Life cannot be lived like that. Especially as a mother, I can't teach that to my child. I wouldn't want to. Life will hold enough of that for him as he is older. I would like to make changes. To know that life has educated me to be cautious but always kind. To give always, with no thoughts of anything in return. To always work hard but have faith that God will provide, or give the opportunity to work for that provision. Now's as good as time as any.....like Jax said "It's time for a change."

Most of it won't be instant gratification. It won't be easy. Truly, it will be a life-long battle. But I'm tired of the wishy-washyness. I'm exhausted of the endless disconnect between me and my soul. I know this wasn't a blog entry that is life changing or even interesting, but some have the duty of being this way to make the others more exciting right?

I miss you. I'll write again soon.

Love,
Shannon

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Today's mountain peak is yesterday's valley.....

Dear Seth,
“For you are my God, my only safe haven. Why have you tossed me aside?” Psalm 43:2
Where did it go – the glow, the easy praise, the comfort/joy/inspiration/insight/peace? Better yet, where did He go? And eventually I get around to the real question – where did I go? I’ll be honest, I’ve been spoiled…rotten to the core. I have no right to complain…none whatsoever. The good Lord has been exceedingly good to me. He has walked with me, talked with me, carried me, pushed me, challenged me…He has led me, very closely, up and over some dangerously steep climbs. I have asked; He has answered. I have poured my heart out; He has filled it right back up. I have screwed up big time; He has allowed me the grace to give it another go.
But now all of that is gone and my soul aches for its return. I know, I know…it’s all part of His plan, there are many different seasons to this life, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away (is that really in the Bible somewhere??), it’s all part of growing up, He is testing my faith…blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, yeah…tell that to somebody who is ready to accept it. Me? Not so much…not yet, not now. Has He forgotten that I’m still in the thick of battle? Doesn’t He know that we’re not out of the woods yet, that this life transformation he dropped on us isn’t complete and we aren’t yet ready to do this on our own? He may have pushed me out of the nest, but this little bird isn’t ready to fly!!! 
“But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.” Psalm 42:8
Why couldn’t I hear all of that before? Why didn’t I trust Him to protect me like He said He would? Why did I fear the change He was leading me through? Why didn’t I hear that before…why wasn’t I listening?
Aw, man…I really screwed this one up, didn’t I? I was too busy crying and wailing and kicking and begging and screaming…and doubting…I was too busy with all of that to listen, to hear, and to trust. The moment (the moment!) God didn’t answer, is the instant I began to doubt. And when He didn’t immediately put answer I was so upset that I couldn’t see Him standing there all along. I couldn’t hear Him cheering me on. I wasn’t listening. I was so focused on the wrong He had done to me that I didn’t hear him say those words, you can do it, I believe in you, I am here for you,…I’ll catch you if you fall…I’ll heal you if you hurt…keep your eyes on me, I’ll show you how this is done…I’ll always be here,  to experience your joys with you when you succeed and suffer your hurts with you when you fail…to challenge you, to push you, to teach you, to love you no matter how far away from me you ever go…………..

So todays Mountain peak is yesterday's valley of keeping on and having faith and trusting. Why is it the easiest concept is the hardest thing to do? So here's to today.

I miss you. I'll write again soon

Love,

Shannon

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Letter to Xander #2- One year

Dear Seth,

You would be proud of the mother I am growing up to being. I thought you would like this letter I wrote to Xander to share with you, as I have shared my stories and other thoughts with you.

My Dear Sweet child,

You are now one year of age.Almost 21 months ago I discovered my life would change. I vow to you that each year you get older I will write you a letter.

I have 12 valuable lessons so far, one for each month that you have aged.

For your first month of life I had to learn to be asseretive and tell people the truth. When I said you were the cutest boy to EVER exist it is no lie. And trust me, when I tell you that if I had an opinion about what someone wore or looked like that didn't necessarily agree with me, you would know. I also learned I am a bit of a germ aphobe. But on a serious note, I learned my life was about to change and it was all about you and your schedule.

For your second month of life I learned to trust my instincts or what you might know as a mother's intuition. You were not gaining weight quickly like most newborns do and after several weight check visits, phone calls to the advice line, arguments with your pediatrician at the time, that trip to the ER where they rushed us in an ambulance and said that you were to undergo surgery and cut up your esophagus to help you hold down food and gain nutrients I knew that I would never again doubt that knawing sensation about that everyone else was wrong. I will follow these instincts always to reflect your best interests health and otherwise.

For your third month of life we sort of all just finally breathing and we developed into a routine of things as you were better from your surgery and gaining weight. I think I learned that I need to take care of myself to be able to best take care of you.

At four months I learned to let you get independence and that it was okay for you to cry. I can't always fix everything for you. This also was handy to ensure you slept through the night. By yourself.

At five months I learned there are no guarantees, with anything and to have faith. If God takes care of the sparrow he will most certainly care for you too.

At six months I learned repitition was the key. I eventually convinced you the spoon was not an enemy invading your mouth. We have since been applying this in other areas, but mostly the point is that you are smart, and learn quickly.

At seven months I learned you were my favorite birthday present. But also that your trust in me is not something I ever would want to shatter as we discovered different foods together that you did and did not like but you always trusted me and tried at least one bite. Note that we are still working on this now, but big boy foods and another lesson stems from this but I am getting ahead of myself as I sometimes tend to do.

At eight months I learned the true enjoyment of being a mom because you were just discovering so much and were so happy, nothing really seems to shake your outlook. So take heart, I am trying to follow your lead.

At nine months I learned that family is what helps you get through the bad things. That really, thats what its all about, to keep going and band together. You kept us going through some rough times.

At ten months I learned that to let your grow I had to "sort of" let you go as you entered day care and left the somewhat bubble you and I had made together. It was hard to share you with the world, first from leaving my belly, to entering, to growing. But as you will discover we will always be altering this a bit, but I will never really leave you and that mommmy always comes back.

At eleven months I learned PATIENCE. And I don't think this will be my only time. I am trying to expand your diet of food and teach you the joys of delicious whole fruit and some of the naughtys like candy and french frieds. You will get there in your own time and I cannot rush that. I should know that by now, but like I said, I am learning patience. I can't promise that I will ever perfect this trait. I am somewhat of the impatient nature.

And finally, at twelve months, it sort of fits with the above. I have to let you be your own person, but its kind of fun watching you decide what is so funny that you laugh from your belly, and watching you decide that you don't like something. Things always change. There is no guarantee. But I will always be your mom, I will always love you no matter what, and nothing you could ever do will change either of those.

I love you so much,

Momma

Miss you.

Shannon


Letter to Xander #1 - Newborn

Dear Seth,

Here is the first letter to Xander. Hope you like it. P.S. Isn't his picture cute?

My dear, sweet child,

This is the only letter I’ve written to someone who isn’t even in this world yet. I wonder what it’s like for you where you are now. I wonder if you’re getting impatient with me and anxious at the same time to come into this world like I am to meet you. I imagine you may be a little nervous too; it’s a scary place sometimes. But don’t worry—I’ll take good care of you.
I dream about you a lot. I picture you as a handsome little baby boy with your dad’s blue eyes and big head. I can’t wait to meet you, but let’s not be too hasty—first things first.
1) Always love your father. Show him the respect that he deserves. Show him your respect with words and actions, obey him, listen to his counsel, for he is wise in many ways and will be a great source of guidance to you. Your father will always be there for you. We will always be there for you. If I can give you a few pieces of knowledge, then let the first be that I love your father; I love him more than life itself. And he always fights for and protects his own.
2) You will always have someone looking out for you. I want you to come into your beliefs at your own time, but know that there is no greater feeling of peace in the world when He is the one who is your center and looks out for you.
3) You are a special little boy, always know you are here for a specific purpose. You will reach many people within your lifetime. You will have great influence to stand for the truth and righteousness in your thoughts, words, and actions. You will lift the hands that hang low and comfort the heavy hearted with words of truth that bring peace. You’re life will be one of light and influence, so always make smart choices, and think ahead to the consequences and not just in the here and now of the moment.
4) Know that only you are in charge of your destiny and no one else. You make things happen, they don’t just happen. Try to always look at the glass half full. Worry won’t get you anywhere but just make you feel heavy hearted.
5) Some days you have will be bad. So if you flunk a test, have a really bad break up, or miss someone so much it hurts, lay down and listen to music. Music will help save your life and get you through the bumps in the road.
6) When you choose your friends, choose wisely. My best friend is someone who is funny, intelligent, creative, beautifule, and very kind. So if you are ever in any kind of trouble and your dad and I are not around, know you can always, call Mary. I can’t think of anyone I would rather have watch over you.

I hope you understand how big of a life change this will be for both your father and I. I thought I’d be at a different part of my life when I was ready to have you, but lately I’ve been thinking about you all the time. I think your dad and I are both ready for you to be here. I’m not saying things are going to be perfect right away… actually they’ll never be perfect. If I’ve learned anything in my 25 years of life, it’s that things don’t always go the way you plan. But I’m a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. No matter the challenges we face as a family, I promise to love you more than anything.

I’ve heard it said time and again that once a mother holds her baby in her arms, the amount of love that swells in her heart is overwhelming. It’s something I’ve been told I can’t imagine until I experience it. For me, it’s not that hard to believe, actually. Though we haven’t met, I love you already. I know my love for you can only grow, and I’m excited for that. I’m excited to meet you. I pray for you to be happy and healthy. I only want the best for you. I thank God for you.


Love,

Your Mommy



Love Shannon

Thirsty

Dear Seth,

Remember all our letters of feeling lonely and hungry for God?

It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve spoken and I don’t know how to get “us” back in the groove. It really wasn’t that long ago it seemed like we were inseparable, speaking each others’ language, finishing each others’ sentences…we were clearly reading from the same playbook! But now things have changed and we can’t seem to connect…are you even trying? I know I am…trying, longing, aching for that connection, pining for that spark, that energy that you and I once shared.
Was it something I said? Something I did? Did I disappoint you or embarrass you in front of your people? I know, I know…I got busy and I didn’t put in the time like before. I had things that had to get done, things you asked me to do, you know. I didn’t ask for all of this, but I got it and I was just trying to do the best I could with what I was given. Did I take it too far and get too wrapped up in the “work” for your liking? Is that what this is all about? You know my heart never left you; you know it has always been and always will be for you and you alone. So why are you treating me this way? Why are you so…absent?

You know, I really could have used your help back there. I cried out for you over and over again, but got nothing in return. It was like I was under water, gasping for air and you were up above with your hand on my head, holding me down to see how long I could go before I gave up the fight. My cousins used to do that to me and I came to expect that sort of thing from them, but now you too? Never would have guessed it…but I guess I guessed wrong. You had it within you to end my pain, to take away the struggle and the fight and yet you did nothing…why? Were you trying to teach me a lesson…to earn my respect (or was it fear?)…were you trying to push me away?
I don’t get sometimes why you have to make it so hard, you know? Don’t you think that you’ve given me enough to deal with? Would it kill you to throw me a lifeline every once in awhile, to give me some relief? You say you love me, you say you’d die for me, you say you hurt when I hurt, but do you really? I’ve never even seen you cry. You say the hard times make us stronger and bring us closer together…you say the beauty of our relationship can only be seen on the other side of the storm. But are those just words, just a simple mind trick to keep me happy even when I have every reason in the world not to be?

Why would you treat me this way and let me hurt this way if you really loved me? You say I only have time for you when I need something from you, but isn’t it the other way around? Seems like all you want from me is praise and time and attention…it’s always all about you, isn’t it? And the moment (the moment!) I take my eyes off of you, you punish me like some kind of petulant school boy would do. Would a mother get away with treating her child this way and expect thata child to love unconditionally in the end? Would a man treat a woman this way and hope to have a loving relationship?

Where is this thing going? Where are we headed? Is there a point to all of this or are we just killing time, waiting for our number to be called? You’ve made lots of promises, you’ve set the expectations higher than I could imagine…are you really going to come through? Or is this just another one of your mind games, another hit of medication to keep me happily sedated as I wander through this fog you call life? What does it all mean? Why are you so maddeningly cryptic all of the time?? Are you even listening to me?? God? Are you there?

Learning that hope is neither foreign or fleeting, and sometimes it feels like the training wheels never came off.

I love you. Lets try and not be strangers.

Love Shannon