Time for a change

Dear Seth,

Funny how I don't write for months, and then all of sudden, writing consumes me, its a part of me, sentences waiting to escape until they hit the screen. I remember when I initially started to write this blog, I wanted to do it to letters to you, so it was easier to write, easier to trick myself into knowing that someone cared, someone was reading. Now I don't care if anyone reads, its just you and me, and my private outlet to the world. Private, thats a funny snorted laugh, that does not exist. My days consist of schedules, chores, endless chasing and staying on a two year old and repetition and schedules and courses for school. Driving and writing were my only escapes. Why do you think Xander and I both love the car? It was our escape for so long, its a hard habit to break. Now that I'm down one for the time being, I have to walk everywhere. That's okay though, I like to do that anyways.

I spent so long making the wrong choices and masking it, its harder now, but being good, doing right, being smart, standing by my family and friends and son, is ingrained in me. I can't do anything else. I got to be good at it though, and habits are hard to break sometimes. Walls are up, around my heart, and I read this quote about it wasn't trying to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break it down. Today I just feel down, sad, lonely. Like no one is going to ever break them down. To care enough to know me, to want to be with me. I'm inexperienced, and people will tell you it won't matter, but lets be honest, at the end of the day, a guys wants to feel good, and when you don't know what your doing, it matters. I'm not even good at the simple stuff, the stuff I enjoy the most. Snuggling, sitting close, holding hands, kissing. I don't know how to do dating. Funny, I can cook pretty much anything, I clean the shit out stuff, I'm loyal-I always got your back, I love family, doing family things, but my life will forever be complicated. I come with a 2 year old. It's not just me. That's going to push others away too. Or maybe it won't and I'm crazy. But let's face it, single mothers are the highest population, so if men are beating down doors to be with women who have kids by another guy, uh ahem, hello, where is my door?

I know what you're thinking, to soon, you don't need it, and you need to focus on all the other billions of shit you have in front of you. You're right. And I know that. And I'm not even thinking about that right now. I just get lonely. I like to watch movies and cuddle, or just talk and be heard and have real conversations. And tonight was a night where I feel like those things will be impossible for me to have, because I have baggage and insecurities, so its easier to just build a wall. But really, I'm just like that princess in the story that wants the wall scaled and to be rescued. And my rescuer is no where in sight, doesn't want to be found-has had so much stuff that maybe it has forever changed the pattern of "rescue missions." If only I got the chance to get deep enough to say, "hey, I can rescue you too" but I seem to not know how to offer that to anyone, let alone myself.

So as I have my moment of sadness, I'm remembering its the season of being thankful and its time for a change. People on facebook that bitch about stuff just irritate me. Some people I just want to punch when they are like oh thank you for cleaning my house and watching my child for the whole weekend. I want to say them, try doing it with the emptiness of a person, alone, isolated, far away, and not having help. Of learning how to survive. Or the months when you have to choose what bills to pay, electricity of grocery bill? Car insurance or car payment? Or moving back at home when you feel like you have failed at life. Having to accept money from people that are kind enough to offer it, because they know you have none, and you know you are going to accept it because its the difference of feeding your kid and having diapers. Of eating saltines for weeks, because its your kid first always. Withstanding verbal abuse and violent outbursts so that you know your kid will be safe. Of being on foodstamps because there was no way you were going to starve or let your kid starve. I didn't come from humble origins, but I sure am ending in that. And you know what, I don't care. And I don't care who knows.  Pawnshops, anything of value, jewelry, tvs, have made the difference of getting all my bills paid. Because really, its materialistic, it will come and go, and we always land on our feet, doesn't matter how. It made me a better person. I'm careful of who I am friends with, because people screw you over. I'm more quick to help others who really need it, because I know that they have no one else. And I know what that is like. I donate everything if I don't use it. Because trust me, someone else is always worse off then you, and they can always use it. Really, brand name is so stupid. Grow up. If its twice as expensive and doesn't have a use, what you spend on it sometimes can be an income for a family of 2 or 3 for a month, maybe two if its a crazy price. And yes, I know some people work hard, and "deserve" it, and those other people must be lazy. But trust me, nothing is secure, nothings lasts forever, except for God, so just watch what you say. I don't judge anymore. I've seen, met, come across all walks of life. Nothing is ever what it seems. I hate drama and manipulative girls. They ruin it for so many who are not like that. I used to be flaky, stand people up, not show up when I say, or say maybe all the time, because I didn't want to upset other people, so I would put the blame on me. But really, I hate to be late. I like to be early. I don't like to keep people waiting. And I've recently adopted the "let your yeses be yes, and your nos be no" because I hate to hear maybe. Just commit or be honest and say no, and then just say why. If someone can't understand why, not your problem or fault-worse shit to lose sleep over. So after my crazy tangent conversation, I am sure you are like get to the point Shannon. I can see your smile, as you say it. God I miss you. You would know exactly what I mean, no questions asked, no judgement passed. Cousin, sometimes I just want to scream, where are you? Why did you go, don't you know we all need you? New resolves, Xander, everyday, more patience. 2 is hard, you are just trying to figure out life, and its so full, and he is only enjoying it, not make it more trifling (although tantrums sometimes seem to feel that way). God, I need him to be a gentleman to girls when he gets older, and be smart, and have good values and a good core system. Makes me feel like I am not doing enough sometimes. Help others, all the time, in whatever way I can. Be more forgiving, and just move forward. Be content, this one seems to be what I'm doing right now. I can say I'm content, I dont want more (except for my minor self-wallowing loneliness tonight, but it will pass, and tomorrow is a new day) and I love everything in my life. And mostly, no more compromising, for me, or for Xander. I refuse to settle, not this time. I want to enjoy everything, from little to big, and I want you to, too, whenever you get here-if you get here.

If I keep going, it will all unfold, and I can't do that not today, but you already know. Say hi for me to my grandma. Miss you both.

Love Shannon