Chances are

Dear Seth,

I'm sad. My heart is heavy with a sequence of events that has lead me to here. Mostly a series of bad judgement and a road of bad luck straggling behind it. I suppose it will be my cross that I carry every day, and I have to get okay with that. How do people ever be okay with it? Why do I feel like I am alone in it? I want to say that I see that you give a damn, that you try hard. Thats why I gave into him, to give him what he wanted. He tells me what I want to hear, that he won't disappear. Because if I'm honest, really blind eye stabbing honest, I'm not okay with it, horrified really, and filled with remorse. But the words whispered, and declarations offered were something that I wanted more, and maybe thats the part that makes me the most upset with myself. That I did a selfish thing for me, instead of following my heart. Or let me elaborate more, I followed my heart, and tried to do what was right, but in the end was it doing right by me, or the other, and am I more selfish or less for doing that? And is right that I feel angry that it seems I'm more alone in it now than before?

I woke up late today. I feel the sting and the numbness of the pain. I put a smile on my face, and mustered up everything for the day, to be the best mom for Xander-because most days, that seems all I will amount to. Like I'm not anything else outside of that, not a woman, a girl who can feel sexy and accomplished at the same time, not a student, a friend, a daughter, a lover, someone to fall in love with-these never seem relevant anymore and maybe they arent. I try to ignore the hurt, but its there. I'm getting a little stronger, a little better, hoping that it could work out, but I know my heart will never be the same. I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days. It won't happen overnight I know. I just hope at some point I will get to a place where I realize I haven't cried over it in awhile. And that at some point I'll just be stronger. Even if I have to will myself.

It's a daily battle for me, with one foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says. I seem to have this interal struggle that I don't deserve anything good because of my sins, and if I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far, to the other way, chances are away from what I want or what is supposed to be, because I cant just leave well enough alone. Maybe because it was discussed that you can be able to tell everything, and not have it make it feel like you push them away. But with all, it seems that it does. So how do you say, I want to chase away the hurt, make you smile, let you know I'm here for awhile, for as little or as long as you want. And that if isn't to be and it can't be seen that my heart is set on you, I'd just rather be by myself? I don't know about any of that. Most recent lesson: Timing is everything. Biggest key factor in the whole stinking mess. I guess it is what will never be.

I try to tear down the wall, to not let what I want to say pass my lips, but somehow it does, and there is no back up plan, no second chance, just the silence that remains and my heavy heart.

So in the hopes that my Christmas miracle comes this year Seth, I'll close with this, what I read today

"For everything written in the past, was written to teach us so that through endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4. And hope, is truly all I have. To give and to receive everyday.

Please be with the angels, and with Payton, Nolan, and Lexington. I miss you always.

Love Shannon

Heart

Dear Seth,

I have so much to write, to say. But I can't even begin, because my heart is full, mostly of hurt and sadness and pain and I cant go there right now or I won't stop. I'll try to tomorrow. These lyrics just fit right now. To what I want to say but can't. To what I want to be, but won't-because I can just never seem to be enough, to be good, for anyone to want, to pursue.  I love it though, when a song just vibes with you, with where you are at.

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

We had Thanksgiving a few days ago. I really miss you. Please watch out for P, and N, and BAB for me.
Love Shannon

Self-Doubt

Dear Seth,

Self-doubt is a terrible thing. You think you don't deserve things. You think you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid. That you have nothing to offer. You make yourself so busy that you don't have to think about anything. You become anal, or over analyze, you don't eat to deal with stress, you go from one extreme to the other to try and find what you think balance works for you. When really you just can't face the fact to accept that good things should and can happen to you. Why should I let them now, when none of them were good before? Maybe thats why I let people walk all over me or let bad things happen, because how could I deserve better. I don't know. Because if good things were supposed to happen, then they will right? I don't know. I'll let you know I guess.

Summer Haze

Dear Seth,

I've been having this dream lately, where I see me, and him. It seems to be summer, woodsy, random trucks are scattered around. The sun's out, seems really humid. It's like I can see myself from afar, seeing us interact, but I can't talk to myself, I can't do a thing. We kiss, its tender, sweet, the choices and results of everything that was done in the right time, right place seem to glow from both of us. I seem lighter,not so much of the weary loads to carry. I don't know if this is my past from what it would have been, or a glimpse to what might be or the future. I have no idea.

And then I wake up. I see I'm where I am, with the all the my choices in front of me, and everything else is evident. And I wonder if the words are true, that echo around in my dream, if the promises uttered will be kept. I find myself holding my breath, because if I breath out, they won't be true, And I'm afraid to hope, because I so want it to be true. But I don't just want to be chasing this alone. I guess for now, I'll jump in and just keep holding my breath. Because really, who doesn't want to hope?

Love,

Shannon

I remember

Dear Seth,

Remember how you you said we were each others keepers? We were good for each other's souls? So true. You got to the very core of me without even trying. And you could make me laugh in the next sentence. Damn I miss that. No one else ever really gets that way to me. Maybe thats what made you so different, so special.

I remember when you told me once after talking about boys, you said if you're worth it, he'll fight for you. You told me that about him, and you were right, he didn't. I should have listened to you then. Saved me a world full of trouble. And now as an after affect I always feel like I have to be brave. It scares me, this need to have a wall and try and never let anyone in. I fear it might push others away, that no one will want to break it down. Odd how internally I can be an eternal optimist, but externally I dont trust easily and tend to want to push people away. I remember how you said I need someone to be patient, slow, persistent, and not tell me but show me they mean what they say. You're right. And hopefully it works out that way. I miss you.

Love,

Shannon

Mountains to climb

Today is one of those days where you wake up and you think I will never be the same. Sad, lonely, relieved, upset, angry, angry that I'm forced to feel like I will be a souless wonder. Did you ever feel this Seth? When you were facing down the walls that held your soul? Like a caged bird with eagle wings. You knew what you could fly for, strive for, but those walls held you from it and made you feel like you'll never get out from them.

Have you ever done something for for the greater good, but everything in you screamed its wrong?  Yup, thats me. I'm cold, I can't seem to get warm, and I'm so tired. But blast this dreary day, I must go on, it doesn't stop for me, Xander still needs to go to bed, I still have homework, there's laundry to do, planning out the week for school, and a million more mountains that need to be tackled. But for now, I'm going to tuck away this day, and maybe someday it won't be so bleak feeling.

Poker: Not gonna fold em

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 2]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

I don't know why but these song lyrics seem to resonate with me. We always talked about Nelly, how he was from St. Louis, he was a "home grown" artist according to you. This doesn't really have to do with that, but it seems to tie in since Eminem is in this song too. Maybe because its about a selfish relationship? Maybe because in the song her story is letting herself be treated that way? It reminds me of the past behind.

I feel in between on so much. I'm doing something with my life, but this kind of path, school, is a slow and steady, its the quick way to the top. But I tried that way, and look where it got me, unemployed and laid off. I was so used to being by myself now its weird to be surrounded, to be so busy you don't have time for everything. Xander is growing so fast into the "getting into everything" phase its like there is more things he can't do than can, and I'm going to go nuts because I don't have a minute to myself until he drops for the day. Once he is asleep, yes my parents can stay with him, but it's not their job, its mine. I was in survival mode and the thinking of just make it till we move, that now I can actually think for a minute and I realize how much of this is all on me.

Every decision I make has a reaction, and I don't get the luxury of just not having a care in the world.  I have to be the best, for Xander, I have to make all the right decisions. I have to show him what to do, eat right, hold your fork, brush your teeth, kiss the boo-boos, not get mad, not baby him for the fact that he doesn't have a dad around because thats a reality he's just gonna have to adjust to. I don't know why, but its kind of daunting. And incredibely scary. Can I do this alone? If I don't do it right, he's going to be messed up for life. And that is a failure I can't live with. He will have to decide things for himself in life, but if I don't give him the right tools to do that with, that's on me. I've been so worried about what can do to be a certain way to have a "come what may" way with things, but that doesn't seem to matter or affect who its supposed to, that right now, I need to "come what is" adjusting and be that for him. Because thats the way of it. And that's my current hand, and unlike poker, I'm not gonna fold this one.

Time for a change

Dear Seth,

Funny how I don't write for months, and then all of sudden, writing consumes me, its a part of me, sentences waiting to escape until they hit the screen. I remember when I initially started to write this blog, I wanted to do it to letters to you, so it was easier to write, easier to trick myself into knowing that someone cared, someone was reading. Now I don't care if anyone reads, its just you and me, and my private outlet to the world. Private, thats a funny snorted laugh, that does not exist. My days consist of schedules, chores, endless chasing and staying on a two year old and repetition and schedules and courses for school. Driving and writing were my only escapes. Why do you think Xander and I both love the car? It was our escape for so long, its a hard habit to break. Now that I'm down one for the time being, I have to walk everywhere. That's okay though, I like to do that anyways.

I spent so long making the wrong choices and masking it, its harder now, but being good, doing right, being smart, standing by my family and friends and son, is ingrained in me. I can't do anything else. I got to be good at it though, and habits are hard to break sometimes. Walls are up, around my heart, and I read this quote about it wasn't trying to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break it down. Today I just feel down, sad, lonely. Like no one is going to ever break them down. To care enough to know me, to want to be with me. I'm inexperienced, and people will tell you it won't matter, but lets be honest, at the end of the day, a guys wants to feel good, and when you don't know what your doing, it matters. I'm not even good at the simple stuff, the stuff I enjoy the most. Snuggling, sitting close, holding hands, kissing. I don't know how to do dating. Funny, I can cook pretty much anything, I clean the shit out stuff, I'm loyal-I always got your back, I love family, doing family things, but my life will forever be complicated. I come with a 2 year old. It's not just me. That's going to push others away too. Or maybe it won't and I'm crazy. But let's face it, single mothers are the highest population, so if men are beating down doors to be with women who have kids by another guy, uh ahem, hello, where is my door?

I know what you're thinking, to soon, you don't need it, and you need to focus on all the other billions of shit you have in front of you. You're right. And I know that. And I'm not even thinking about that right now. I just get lonely. I like to watch movies and cuddle, or just talk and be heard and have real conversations. And tonight was a night where I feel like those things will be impossible for me to have, because I have baggage and insecurities, so its easier to just build a wall. But really, I'm just like that princess in the story that wants the wall scaled and to be rescued. And my rescuer is no where in sight, doesn't want to be found-has had so much stuff that maybe it has forever changed the pattern of "rescue missions." If only I got the chance to get deep enough to say, "hey, I can rescue you too" but I seem to not know how to offer that to anyone, let alone myself.

So as I have my moment of sadness, I'm remembering its the season of being thankful and its time for a change. People on facebook that bitch about stuff just irritate me. Some people I just want to punch when they are like oh thank you for cleaning my house and watching my child for the whole weekend. I want to say them, try doing it with the emptiness of a person, alone, isolated, far away, and not having help. Of learning how to survive. Or the months when you have to choose what bills to pay, electricity of grocery bill? Car insurance or car payment? Or moving back at home when you feel like you have failed at life. Having to accept money from people that are kind enough to offer it, because they know you have none, and you know you are going to accept it because its the difference of feeding your kid and having diapers. Of eating saltines for weeks, because its your kid first always. Withstanding verbal abuse and violent outbursts so that you know your kid will be safe. Of being on foodstamps because there was no way you were going to starve or let your kid starve. I didn't come from humble origins, but I sure am ending in that. And you know what, I don't care. And I don't care who knows.  Pawnshops, anything of value, jewelry, tvs, have made the difference of getting all my bills paid. Because really, its materialistic, it will come and go, and we always land on our feet, doesn't matter how. It made me a better person. I'm careful of who I am friends with, because people screw you over. I'm more quick to help others who really need it, because I know that they have no one else. And I know what that is like. I donate everything if I don't use it. Because trust me, someone else is always worse off then you, and they can always use it. Really, brand name is so stupid. Grow up. If its twice as expensive and doesn't have a use, what you spend on it sometimes can be an income for a family of 2 or 3 for a month, maybe two if its a crazy price. And yes, I know some people work hard, and "deserve" it, and those other people must be lazy. But trust me, nothing is secure, nothings lasts forever, except for God, so just watch what you say. I don't judge anymore. I've seen, met, come across all walks of life. Nothing is ever what it seems. I hate drama and manipulative girls. They ruin it for so many who are not like that. I used to be flaky, stand people up, not show up when I say, or say maybe all the time, because I didn't want to upset other people, so I would put the blame on me. But really, I hate to be late. I like to be early. I don't like to keep people waiting. And I've recently adopted the "let your yeses be yes, and your nos be no" because I hate to hear maybe. Just commit or be honest and say no, and then just say why. If someone can't understand why, not your problem or fault-worse shit to lose sleep over. So after my crazy tangent conversation, I am sure you are like get to the point Shannon. I can see your smile, as you say it. God I miss you. You would know exactly what I mean, no questions asked, no judgement passed. Cousin, sometimes I just want to scream, where are you? Why did you go, don't you know we all need you? New resolves, Xander, everyday, more patience. 2 is hard, you are just trying to figure out life, and its so full, and he is only enjoying it, not make it more trifling (although tantrums sometimes seem to feel that way). God, I need him to be a gentleman to girls when he gets older, and be smart, and have good values and a good core system. Makes me feel like I am not doing enough sometimes. Help others, all the time, in whatever way I can. Be more forgiving, and just move forward. Be content, this one seems to be what I'm doing right now. I can say I'm content, I dont want more (except for my minor self-wallowing loneliness tonight, but it will pass, and tomorrow is a new day) and I love everything in my life. And mostly, no more compromising, for me, or for Xander. I refuse to settle, not this time. I want to enjoy everything, from little to big, and I want you to, too, whenever you get here-if you get here.

If I keep going, it will all unfold, and I can't do that not today, but you already know. Say hi for me to my grandma. Miss you both.

Love Shannon

Ocean

Dear Seth,

The currents were strong, rough, almost like white caps and choppy waves. I was looking for answers, that seemed so hard to find. I prayed for change, deliverance, safety, for a life of more than just survival. And it came. It was what I needed, more of a shock than anything, not necessarily an answer I would fight, but as you know from my previous letters, they were really cries for help, of lonliness, of the endless nights and doing it all alone. At least now, I am purged of that shell.

The sea is a little calmer now. Only changes in the current about once a week instead of every few hours like a month ago. I am single. After 8 years. Well I have been for 2 months almost to the day. I remember your letter, from 2003, last one before you were gone, maybe I should have listened. But for all the complaints, I am a mother, first and foremost to the most amazing little boy. And I wouldn't change that for anything. Even on the rough days like today of endless testing, tantrums, and my patience shortly leaving under from me.

At night, when its clear, I feel that "calm before the storm feeling" that most oceans often deceive sailors with. I've been pushed in a corner, and I came out fighting. It will seem to most I have lost, but I keep my head. I am right back where I started when I graduated highschool, except I have a kid, no job, the added "baby daddy" which I won't go into even though it is my right to publicly vent and voice and do what I want, I'm above that, and I moved back home. Privacy and space are a luxury I no longer have. My own rules and tribulations of a household to myself don't exist either. But we have a place to go. A roof over our head. A chance to complete the new school path journey I have started. Xander has a chance to be in a stable, loving, home environment and not daycare. He gets to build a lasting relationship with his grandparents. He gets to stregthen his with mine, and can not be afraid to be a little boy, to scream and laugh and play and test, push boundries, laugh, cry.

And on the day when Xander was born, my life changed, it was that ocean sunset, perfect in evey way, in every color type feeling. I fell in love. Probably with the only boy that loves everything about me and wants to be with me and needs me, and shows me every day. Did you know he will cover me with his blanket, his most prized possession? He looks to me to make sure its okay, knows that no matter what shit hits the fan, he will not be affected, he will be okay, he will always have me, always be okay, because we are together. He knows internally, that its ingrained in him, that where I go, he goes, its not negotiable. I changed my life for him that very earth shattering, horribly painful moment he came into the world. Through all the unsuccessful feedings, projectile vomitting, hospital stays, surgery, my surgery, and us trying to figure out this new life together. We grew together, me and him, him his first year, me, my first year as a mother, as knowing that my life is not my own, that he is always first. I gave up free time, most friends, and we learned to go everywhere together. I know that he doens't nap in the car. He loves country music. Is terrified of recliner chairs with the footrest up, and also hated to have his sheets changed. His newest accomplishment is being in the 10th percentile for weight. He's been on his own weight line curve since about 5 months old, and hasn't been back on since. He's half my height. Who needs the park and toys and swings when you can go for a walk or run up and down the driveway? Who would have thought that at 3 months he had his own room, and at 2 years we are roommates? I love to hear him breath when he sleeps. He's quick to anger in frustration, but I need to remind myself, however frustrated I am, he is twice as much, because he can't say how he is feeling. So yea, I would get frustrated too. He loves to sing, he will sing back and forth with you. Loves musics, guitars and drums. He loves to please, making someone happy and doing the right thing is already so important to him. He loves to help, I want him to do be independent. Remembe when you taught me how to unload the dishwasher at 8? He's already doing it at 2. For better or worse, we are all each other has. But really I would say thats only better.

Now it seems the ocean sets a different pace- three various kinds. One is almost exotic, tropical feel, of warm heart, clear waters, so you know what you see is what you get, but you also know that pretty much its so "tropical" you will never travel that current.  The other, is traveled more as a sometimes current joureny, where there are no lines, no boundaries, you are sometimes drifting off the map, sometimes following the compass. But the ship is efficient, steady, it repairs itself, has the same nuts and bolts caliber as the kind of boat you would want to travel, but its newer, so you aren't sure if it is as reliable as it appears. Can you trust it? Since you know the journey you want to travel, I guess the ship has to prove its relability and acceptance to the path you want to sail with it. The third current, a surprisingly peaceful flow of old and new, faithful, with an air of mystery. It blends with your current sail the most, out of all, but wasn't really anything of any kind of pace you wanted to set. And swimming with the turtles is okay, as it switching to swimming with the dolphins. It's nothing of anything you would have expected, but has the promise to turn into everything you wanted, a sweet, lullaby of seaweed, drifting breeze, a current you would want to sail no matter how the winds have changed ships.

I'm content. With whatever ever ocean I land, whichever one I sail, because I know whats in my boat. No surprises. Its Xander. And Me. And what fits us both. Not what fits anyone else. And in that boat is the truth, and it won't be compromised like I let it so many times. And thats on me, no one else. I won't play dumb game, I can only be me, and if that isn't enough to offer, then I guess I'll know that sooner better than later.  I know that I'm alright, that even being forced to fight, to navigate backwards instead of progressing forward like I should be at 27, could actually be the right kind of "forward"

I miss you, always.

Love Shannon