Poker: Not gonna fold em

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 2]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

I don't know why but these song lyrics seem to resonate with me. We always talked about Nelly, how he was from St. Louis, he was a "home grown" artist according to you. This doesn't really have to do with that, but it seems to tie in since Eminem is in this song too. Maybe because its about a selfish relationship? Maybe because in the song her story is letting herself be treated that way? It reminds me of the past behind.

I feel in between on so much. I'm doing something with my life, but this kind of path, school, is a slow and steady, its the quick way to the top. But I tried that way, and look where it got me, unemployed and laid off. I was so used to being by myself now its weird to be surrounded, to be so busy you don't have time for everything. Xander is growing so fast into the "getting into everything" phase its like there is more things he can't do than can, and I'm going to go nuts because I don't have a minute to myself until he drops for the day. Once he is asleep, yes my parents can stay with him, but it's not their job, its mine. I was in survival mode and the thinking of just make it till we move, that now I can actually think for a minute and I realize how much of this is all on me.

Every decision I make has a reaction, and I don't get the luxury of just not having a care in the world.  I have to be the best, for Xander, I have to make all the right decisions. I have to show him what to do, eat right, hold your fork, brush your teeth, kiss the boo-boos, not get mad, not baby him for the fact that he doesn't have a dad around because thats a reality he's just gonna have to adjust to. I don't know why, but its kind of daunting. And incredibely scary. Can I do this alone? If I don't do it right, he's going to be messed up for life. And that is a failure I can't live with. He will have to decide things for himself in life, but if I don't give him the right tools to do that with, that's on me. I've been so worried about what can do to be a certain way to have a "come what may" way with things, but that doesn't seem to matter or affect who its supposed to, that right now, I need to "come what is" adjusting and be that for him. Because thats the way of it. And that's my current hand, and unlike poker, I'm not gonna fold this one.