Chances are

Dear Seth,

I'm sad. My heart is heavy with a sequence of events that has lead me to here. Mostly a series of bad judgement and a road of bad luck straggling behind it. I suppose it will be my cross that I carry every day, and I have to get okay with that. How do people ever be okay with it? Why do I feel like I am alone in it? I want to say that I see that you give a damn, that you try hard. Thats why I gave into him, to give him what he wanted. He tells me what I want to hear, that he won't disappear. Because if I'm honest, really blind eye stabbing honest, I'm not okay with it, horrified really, and filled with remorse. But the words whispered, and declarations offered were something that I wanted more, and maybe thats the part that makes me the most upset with myself. That I did a selfish thing for me, instead of following my heart. Or let me elaborate more, I followed my heart, and tried to do what was right, but in the end was it doing right by me, or the other, and am I more selfish or less for doing that? And is right that I feel angry that it seems I'm more alone in it now than before?

I woke up late today. I feel the sting and the numbness of the pain. I put a smile on my face, and mustered up everything for the day, to be the best mom for Xander-because most days, that seems all I will amount to. Like I'm not anything else outside of that, not a woman, a girl who can feel sexy and accomplished at the same time, not a student, a friend, a daughter, a lover, someone to fall in love with-these never seem relevant anymore and maybe they arent. I try to ignore the hurt, but its there. I'm getting a little stronger, a little better, hoping that it could work out, but I know my heart will never be the same. I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days. It won't happen overnight I know. I just hope at some point I will get to a place where I realize I haven't cried over it in awhile. And that at some point I'll just be stronger. Even if I have to will myself.

It's a daily battle for me, with one foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says. I seem to have this interal struggle that I don't deserve anything good because of my sins, and if I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far, to the other way, chances are away from what I want or what is supposed to be, because I cant just leave well enough alone. Maybe because it was discussed that you can be able to tell everything, and not have it make it feel like you push them away. But with all, it seems that it does. So how do you say, I want to chase away the hurt, make you smile, let you know I'm here for awhile, for as little or as long as you want. And that if isn't to be and it can't be seen that my heart is set on you, I'd just rather be by myself? I don't know about any of that. Most recent lesson: Timing is everything. Biggest key factor in the whole stinking mess. I guess it is what will never be.

I try to tear down the wall, to not let what I want to say pass my lips, but somehow it does, and there is no back up plan, no second chance, just the silence that remains and my heavy heart.

So in the hopes that my Christmas miracle comes this year Seth, I'll close with this, what I read today

"For everything written in the past, was written to teach us so that through endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4. And hope, is truly all I have. To give and to receive everyday.

Please be with the angels, and with Payton, Nolan, and Lexington. I miss you always.

Love Shannon