Concept of Grace

Dear Seth,

It is not that we keep His commandments first, and that then He
loves; but that He loves us, and then we keep His commandments.
This is that grace, which is revealed to the humble, but hidden
from the proud.

-- St. Augustine of Hippo

I think I want to be that, that concept of grace. I want to embrace kindness, and just sort of have it ooze out. I'm sure ooze is not the appropriate word to link with kindness, but its appropriate image. It seems of late, that when I have more to worry about, I truly stress less. I pace myself, I gather whats important, and then it would seem as soon as you are back on top, I forge ahead back to where I was, forgetting all the lessons of "struggle" and sliding back into the other.

I have known hunger where you only eat once a-day because you just won't have any other food left if you don't stretch it out. I have had so much food it get's wasted. I have embraced those in need and been screwed over, and in turn let myself be embraced so that I can be helped and tried to not pass on the pattern of doing that to others. I certainly have been exposed to lavish opportunity, and also the other extreme, a day-by-day struggle of getting by. I have shared everything from myself, to a home and the end result is always having a guard up, wondering what someone wants from me before starting to trust.

Life cannot be lived like that. Especially as a mother, I can't teach that to my child. I wouldn't want to. Life will hold enough of that for him as he is older. I would like to make changes. To know that life has educated me to be cautious but always kind. To give always, with no thoughts of anything in return. To always work hard but have faith that God will provide, or give the opportunity to work for that provision. Now's as good as time as any.....like Jax said "It's time for a change."

Most of it won't be instant gratification. It won't be easy. Truly, it will be a life-long battle. But I'm tired of the wishy-washyness. I'm exhausted of the endless disconnect between me and my soul. I know this wasn't a blog entry that is life changing or even interesting, but some have the duty of being this way to make the others more exciting right?

I miss you. I'll write again soon.

Love,
Shannon