Dear Seth,
Remember the story I mailed to you, years ago, the "catch you when you fall" one? At somepoint I will post it up here, but I feel her shadows, creeping round. I look at myself and I see the ugliness crowding out around the white porcelian skin that lies around my inner core and my heart. I want to be beautiful. I want to be the only face he sees and have him have some irristable urge to have me be at the inner core of most things. Not in a way where like its before God or anything sacreligious in that sense.
I see the marks, the scars of pregnancy, the evil trying to cover me up. Just when you start to identify evil, it seems to transform itself into something else. I just want to be myself, believer, rebellion, goody-tissues all in one. Is that even possible? I don't know anymore.....
Maybe I'll be back with some more, but for now, this is all I can come up with.
Love,
Shannon
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Bumbly Jumbly
Dear Seth,
America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.
I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.
I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.
I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.
I promise to write better next time.
Love Shannon
America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.
I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.
I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.
I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.
I promise to write better next time.
Love Shannon
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Coming together.
Dear Seth,
I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.
I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.
I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.
The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.
And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.
And know I have peace that it is all coming together.
I miss you more each day.
Love,
Shannon
I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.
I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.
I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.
The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.
And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.
And know I have peace that it is all coming together.
I miss you more each day.
Love,
Shannon
Monday, May 30, 2011
Racing to win
Dear Seth,
This is an amazingly long day, where I have been waiting for the end to come only to settle in for a hot shower, my Monday night tv show, a yummy drink, and a chance to write. The first part of the day was rocky, feeling mostly like a continuous disappointment to those all around me. Sometimes I think to much time at home makes it worse.
On other news, I'm ready to join the race. I started the first part of my list, so that feels good. I've made a schedule, laid out some stuff for me to follow in regards to exercise, Xander, his needs, school, and my family and I have a direction. "For this race". I'm going to check out a church this weekend. I'm nervous to go alone, but excited for the fellowship. Excited for a new direction. Moving, school, my family, a step in the right direction.
"Remember that in a race everyone runs but only one person gets the prize. You must also run in such a way you will win." -1 Corinthians 9:24
This wasn't really one for a purpose, just a random bubble of my thoughts kind of all the place. But just the same, I always feel better talking to you.
Love always,
Shannon
This is an amazingly long day, where I have been waiting for the end to come only to settle in for a hot shower, my Monday night tv show, a yummy drink, and a chance to write. The first part of the day was rocky, feeling mostly like a continuous disappointment to those all around me. Sometimes I think to much time at home makes it worse.
On other news, I'm ready to join the race. I started the first part of my list, so that feels good. I've made a schedule, laid out some stuff for me to follow in regards to exercise, Xander, his needs, school, and my family and I have a direction. "For this race". I'm going to check out a church this weekend. I'm nervous to go alone, but excited for the fellowship. Excited for a new direction. Moving, school, my family, a step in the right direction.
"Remember that in a race everyone runs but only one person gets the prize. You must also run in such a way you will win." -1 Corinthians 9:24
This wasn't really one for a purpose, just a random bubble of my thoughts kind of all the place. But just the same, I always feel better talking to you.
Love always,
Shannon
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Lost Soul
Dear Seth,
Well, I've gotten the hang of this blog thing, and now that I have a direction, a desire for it, I think this will be where I talk to you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I cry, because you were my go to person, my confidante. You knew all my ups and downs and mistakes and dreams-no one else really got it. And maybe by talking to you, you will still know and it will still be like we are talking like we did.
I tried to be helpfull to a lost soul from a few years back, and was just trying to hold her accountable, and it ended in hurtful truths and name calling, but nonetheless, I did what I could and said nothing more then what was already known and I can't do anything different.
I read this verse today:
"You are the light of the world, like a city on a moutain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead put in on a nightstand and let it shine fo all." ~Matthew 5:14-15
After being at home, with a child, working, taking care of others, trying to set goals and achieve them, and be all this stuff for everyone I seem to have lost my light. Its definetely not shining for all to see. I'm tired of trying to downplay who I am at times or what I think or believe. You always encouraged me to be the opposite. I just feel so lost sometimes, and it has nothing to do with my child, or relationships, but me as a whole, separate from all that. I'm making steps to change that, or try to, but sometimes it feels as if those are backward steps, or that if I am not making them at all.
I read your letters a month or so ago. First time in awhile but it was so good to hear your voice through them. It reminds me that I don't want to miss out on my time with God. That his grace will follow me wherever I go. Mistakes I have made. Lord knows that I have made many. And so many were of the worst kind and at the time of the worst offense, or that it felt like it. Sometimes its just to hard to believe that his blood will cover me always. God will repair the damage and restore what was lost right?
Maybe making a list, right here and now, between you and me and the one above, will help. Because it is writing, posted, and made as a bond between all.
1) Make amends
2) Finish what I start
3) Stick to the path
4) Never falter with unconditional love for Him and him and him
5) Take care of myself
6) Try and be a good example always
7) Not to l anymore and no more a. Ever. Ever.
A disagreement came about between a old friend. It almost broke my heart yesterday. Some my doing, some hers. I hope a bridge can be built between the rifts that have come about. I love you. I'll be back soon.
Love,
Shannon
Well, I've gotten the hang of this blog thing, and now that I have a direction, a desire for it, I think this will be where I talk to you. I miss you every day. Sometimes I cry, because you were my go to person, my confidante. You knew all my ups and downs and mistakes and dreams-no one else really got it. And maybe by talking to you, you will still know and it will still be like we are talking like we did.
I tried to be helpfull to a lost soul from a few years back, and was just trying to hold her accountable, and it ended in hurtful truths and name calling, but nonetheless, I did what I could and said nothing more then what was already known and I can't do anything different.
I read this verse today:
"You are the light of the world, like a city on a moutain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead put in on a nightstand and let it shine fo all." ~Matthew 5:14-15
After being at home, with a child, working, taking care of others, trying to set goals and achieve them, and be all this stuff for everyone I seem to have lost my light. Its definetely not shining for all to see. I'm tired of trying to downplay who I am at times or what I think or believe. You always encouraged me to be the opposite. I just feel so lost sometimes, and it has nothing to do with my child, or relationships, but me as a whole, separate from all that. I'm making steps to change that, or try to, but sometimes it feels as if those are backward steps, or that if I am not making them at all.
I read your letters a month or so ago. First time in awhile but it was so good to hear your voice through them. It reminds me that I don't want to miss out on my time with God. That his grace will follow me wherever I go. Mistakes I have made. Lord knows that I have made many. And so many were of the worst kind and at the time of the worst offense, or that it felt like it. Sometimes its just to hard to believe that his blood will cover me always. God will repair the damage and restore what was lost right?
Maybe making a list, right here and now, between you and me and the one above, will help. Because it is writing, posted, and made as a bond between all.
1) Make amends
2) Finish what I start
3) Stick to the path
4) Never falter with unconditional love for Him and him and him
5) Take care of myself
6) Try and be a good example always
7) Not to l anymore and no more a. Ever. Ever.
A disagreement came about between a old friend. It almost broke my heart yesterday. Some my doing, some hers. I hope a bridge can be built between the rifts that have come about. I love you. I'll be back soon.
Love,
Shannon
Monday, May 23, 2011
Embracing Life
Dear Seth,
This week my family has been sick, sick, and more sick! Sick with colds, flu, exhaustion and many other little ailments along the way. I wonder if we can conside whining one? Lol It has been a vicious cycle which really took its toll on our spirits and had us wondering if we were ever going to be “us” again.
Today is the anniversary of the death of my cousin that was probably more like a brother than just a cousin to me in all honesty. It makes me sad to see all that has happened and he is not here, bu then again, he has the best seat in the house with God and my grandma. There was a huge tornado that hit close to home for a lot of families.
Now with all that being said, it kind of make me just want to push back against the world to say we are all still standing, and that although some our down, we are not out. Gratitude is something that comes to all of us eventually, kids or no kids, as we face enough of life’s challenges and come to the sobering realization that life can be really, really, really hard and unpleasant and downright awful sometimes. Believe me when I tell you that when you face enough shouts from angry customers or red marks from hard to please professors and disrespectful comments from disrespectful people who are supposed to know better, you learn really quickly how to be grateful for those who approach life and humanity in the way that God intended…with respect and courtesy and love.
And I think that I just would like to embrace this and stop putting off all the plans to do better or be better. Take what we have and make those blessings multiply and to share with others. So afer I recover tomorrow, I just want to embrace life, make it time for a change, move forward and stick with that. So to all those who are with me, lets just stopping off our tomorrows and live for today.
"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9, 10
I love you, I'll be back soon.
Love,
Shannon
This week my family has been sick, sick, and more sick! Sick with colds, flu, exhaustion and many other little ailments along the way. I wonder if we can conside whining one? Lol It has been a vicious cycle which really took its toll on our spirits and had us wondering if we were ever going to be “us” again.
Today is the anniversary of the death of my cousin that was probably more like a brother than just a cousin to me in all honesty. It makes me sad to see all that has happened and he is not here, bu then again, he has the best seat in the house with God and my grandma. There was a huge tornado that hit close to home for a lot of families.
Now with all that being said, it kind of make me just want to push back against the world to say we are all still standing, and that although some our down, we are not out. Gratitude is something that comes to all of us eventually, kids or no kids, as we face enough of life’s challenges and come to the sobering realization that life can be really, really, really hard and unpleasant and downright awful sometimes. Believe me when I tell you that when you face enough shouts from angry customers or red marks from hard to please professors and disrespectful comments from disrespectful people who are supposed to know better, you learn really quickly how to be grateful for those who approach life and humanity in the way that God intended…with respect and courtesy and love.
And I think that I just would like to embrace this and stop putting off all the plans to do better or be better. Take what we have and make those blessings multiply and to share with others. So afer I recover tomorrow, I just want to embrace life, make it time for a change, move forward and stick with that. So to all those who are with me, lets just stopping off our tomorrows and live for today.
"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9, 10
I love you, I'll be back soon.
Love,
Shannon
Friday, May 20, 2011
Concept of Grace
Dear Seth,
It is not that we keep His commandments first, and that then He
loves; but that He loves us, and then we keep His commandments.
This is that grace, which is revealed to the humble, but hidden
from the proud.
-- St. Augustine of Hippo
I think I want to be that, that concept of grace. I want to embrace kindness, and just sort of have it ooze out. I'm sure ooze is not the appropriate word to link with kindness, but its appropriate image. It seems of late, that when I have more to worry about, I truly stress less. I pace myself, I gather whats important, and then it would seem as soon as you are back on top, I forge ahead back to where I was, forgetting all the lessons of "struggle" and sliding back into the other.
I have known hunger where you only eat once a-day because you just won't have any other food left if you don't stretch it out. I have had so much food it get's wasted. I have embraced those in need and been screwed over, and in turn let myself be embraced so that I can be helped and tried to not pass on the pattern of doing that to others. I certainly have been exposed to lavish opportunity, and also the other extreme, a day-by-day struggle of getting by. I have shared everything from myself, to a home and the end result is always having a guard up, wondering what someone wants from me before starting to trust.
Life cannot be lived like that. Especially as a mother, I can't teach that to my child. I wouldn't want to. Life will hold enough of that for him as he is older. I would like to make changes. To know that life has educated me to be cautious but always kind. To give always, with no thoughts of anything in return. To always work hard but have faith that God will provide, or give the opportunity to work for that provision. Now's as good as time as any.....like Jax said "It's time for a change."
Most of it won't be instant gratification. It won't be easy. Truly, it will be a life-long battle. But I'm tired of the wishy-washyness. I'm exhausted of the endless disconnect between me and my soul. I know this wasn't a blog entry that is life changing or even interesting, but some have the duty of being this way to make the others more exciting right?
I miss you. I'll write again soon.
Love,
Shannon
It is not that we keep His commandments first, and that then He
loves; but that He loves us, and then we keep His commandments.
This is that grace, which is revealed to the humble, but hidden
from the proud.
-- St. Augustine of Hippo
I think I want to be that, that concept of grace. I want to embrace kindness, and just sort of have it ooze out. I'm sure ooze is not the appropriate word to link with kindness, but its appropriate image. It seems of late, that when I have more to worry about, I truly stress less. I pace myself, I gather whats important, and then it would seem as soon as you are back on top, I forge ahead back to where I was, forgetting all the lessons of "struggle" and sliding back into the other.
I have known hunger where you only eat once a-day because you just won't have any other food left if you don't stretch it out. I have had so much food it get's wasted. I have embraced those in need and been screwed over, and in turn let myself be embraced so that I can be helped and tried to not pass on the pattern of doing that to others. I certainly have been exposed to lavish opportunity, and also the other extreme, a day-by-day struggle of getting by. I have shared everything from myself, to a home and the end result is always having a guard up, wondering what someone wants from me before starting to trust.
Life cannot be lived like that. Especially as a mother, I can't teach that to my child. I wouldn't want to. Life will hold enough of that for him as he is older. I would like to make changes. To know that life has educated me to be cautious but always kind. To give always, with no thoughts of anything in return. To always work hard but have faith that God will provide, or give the opportunity to work for that provision. Now's as good as time as any.....like Jax said "It's time for a change."
Most of it won't be instant gratification. It won't be easy. Truly, it will be a life-long battle. But I'm tired of the wishy-washyness. I'm exhausted of the endless disconnect between me and my soul. I know this wasn't a blog entry that is life changing or even interesting, but some have the duty of being this way to make the others more exciting right?
I miss you. I'll write again soon.
Love,
Shannon
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