Heart

Dear Seth,

I have so much to write, to say. But I can't even begin, because my heart is full, mostly of hurt and sadness and pain and I cant go there right now or I won't stop. I'll try to tomorrow. These lyrics just fit right now. To what I want to say but can't. To what I want to be, but won't-because I can just never seem to be enough, to be good, for anyone to want, to pursue.  I love it though, when a song just vibes with you, with where you are at.

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

We had Thanksgiving a few days ago. I really miss you. Please watch out for P, and N, and BAB for me.
Love Shannon

Self-Doubt

Dear Seth,

Self-doubt is a terrible thing. You think you don't deserve things. You think you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid. That you have nothing to offer. You make yourself so busy that you don't have to think about anything. You become anal, or over analyze, you don't eat to deal with stress, you go from one extreme to the other to try and find what you think balance works for you. When really you just can't face the fact to accept that good things should and can happen to you. Why should I let them now, when none of them were good before? Maybe thats why I let people walk all over me or let bad things happen, because how could I deserve better. I don't know. Because if good things were supposed to happen, then they will right? I don't know. I'll let you know I guess.

Summer Haze

Dear Seth,

I've been having this dream lately, where I see me, and him. It seems to be summer, woodsy, random trucks are scattered around. The sun's out, seems really humid. It's like I can see myself from afar, seeing us interact, but I can't talk to myself, I can't do a thing. We kiss, its tender, sweet, the choices and results of everything that was done in the right time, right place seem to glow from both of us. I seem lighter,not so much of the weary loads to carry. I don't know if this is my past from what it would have been, or a glimpse to what might be or the future. I have no idea.

And then I wake up. I see I'm where I am, with the all the my choices in front of me, and everything else is evident. And I wonder if the words are true, that echo around in my dream, if the promises uttered will be kept. I find myself holding my breath, because if I breath out, they won't be true, And I'm afraid to hope, because I so want it to be true. But I don't just want to be chasing this alone. I guess for now, I'll jump in and just keep holding my breath. Because really, who doesn't want to hope?

Love,

Shannon

I remember

Dear Seth,

Remember how you you said we were each others keepers? We were good for each other's souls? So true. You got to the very core of me without even trying. And you could make me laugh in the next sentence. Damn I miss that. No one else ever really gets that way to me. Maybe thats what made you so different, so special.

I remember when you told me once after talking about boys, you said if you're worth it, he'll fight for you. You told me that about him, and you were right, he didn't. I should have listened to you then. Saved me a world full of trouble. And now as an after affect I always feel like I have to be brave. It scares me, this need to have a wall and try and never let anyone in. I fear it might push others away, that no one will want to break it down. Odd how internally I can be an eternal optimist, but externally I dont trust easily and tend to want to push people away. I remember how you said I need someone to be patient, slow, persistent, and not tell me but show me they mean what they say. You're right. And hopefully it works out that way. I miss you.

Love,

Shannon

Mountains to climb

Today is one of those days where you wake up and you think I will never be the same. Sad, lonely, relieved, upset, angry, angry that I'm forced to feel like I will be a souless wonder. Did you ever feel this Seth? When you were facing down the walls that held your soul? Like a caged bird with eagle wings. You knew what you could fly for, strive for, but those walls held you from it and made you feel like you'll never get out from them.

Have you ever done something for for the greater good, but everything in you screamed its wrong?  Yup, thats me. I'm cold, I can't seem to get warm, and I'm so tired. But blast this dreary day, I must go on, it doesn't stop for me, Xander still needs to go to bed, I still have homework, there's laundry to do, planning out the week for school, and a million more mountains that need to be tackled. But for now, I'm going to tuck away this day, and maybe someday it won't be so bleak feeling.

Poker: Not gonna fold em

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 2]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

I don't know why but these song lyrics seem to resonate with me. We always talked about Nelly, how he was from St. Louis, he was a "home grown" artist according to you. This doesn't really have to do with that, but it seems to tie in since Eminem is in this song too. Maybe because its about a selfish relationship? Maybe because in the song her story is letting herself be treated that way? It reminds me of the past behind.

I feel in between on so much. I'm doing something with my life, but this kind of path, school, is a slow and steady, its the quick way to the top. But I tried that way, and look where it got me, unemployed and laid off. I was so used to being by myself now its weird to be surrounded, to be so busy you don't have time for everything. Xander is growing so fast into the "getting into everything" phase its like there is more things he can't do than can, and I'm going to go nuts because I don't have a minute to myself until he drops for the day. Once he is asleep, yes my parents can stay with him, but it's not their job, its mine. I was in survival mode and the thinking of just make it till we move, that now I can actually think for a minute and I realize how much of this is all on me.

Every decision I make has a reaction, and I don't get the luxury of just not having a care in the world.  I have to be the best, for Xander, I have to make all the right decisions. I have to show him what to do, eat right, hold your fork, brush your teeth, kiss the boo-boos, not get mad, not baby him for the fact that he doesn't have a dad around because thats a reality he's just gonna have to adjust to. I don't know why, but its kind of daunting. And incredibely scary. Can I do this alone? If I don't do it right, he's going to be messed up for life. And that is a failure I can't live with. He will have to decide things for himself in life, but if I don't give him the right tools to do that with, that's on me. I've been so worried about what can do to be a certain way to have a "come what may" way with things, but that doesn't seem to matter or affect who its supposed to, that right now, I need to "come what is" adjusting and be that for him. Because thats the way of it. And that's my current hand, and unlike poker, I'm not gonna fold this one.

Time for a change

Dear Seth,

Funny how I don't write for months, and then all of sudden, writing consumes me, its a part of me, sentences waiting to escape until they hit the screen. I remember when I initially started to write this blog, I wanted to do it to letters to you, so it was easier to write, easier to trick myself into knowing that someone cared, someone was reading. Now I don't care if anyone reads, its just you and me, and my private outlet to the world. Private, thats a funny snorted laugh, that does not exist. My days consist of schedules, chores, endless chasing and staying on a two year old and repetition and schedules and courses for school. Driving and writing were my only escapes. Why do you think Xander and I both love the car? It was our escape for so long, its a hard habit to break. Now that I'm down one for the time being, I have to walk everywhere. That's okay though, I like to do that anyways.

I spent so long making the wrong choices and masking it, its harder now, but being good, doing right, being smart, standing by my family and friends and son, is ingrained in me. I can't do anything else. I got to be good at it though, and habits are hard to break sometimes. Walls are up, around my heart, and I read this quote about it wasn't trying to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break it down. Today I just feel down, sad, lonely. Like no one is going to ever break them down. To care enough to know me, to want to be with me. I'm inexperienced, and people will tell you it won't matter, but lets be honest, at the end of the day, a guys wants to feel good, and when you don't know what your doing, it matters. I'm not even good at the simple stuff, the stuff I enjoy the most. Snuggling, sitting close, holding hands, kissing. I don't know how to do dating. Funny, I can cook pretty much anything, I clean the shit out stuff, I'm loyal-I always got your back, I love family, doing family things, but my life will forever be complicated. I come with a 2 year old. It's not just me. That's going to push others away too. Or maybe it won't and I'm crazy. But let's face it, single mothers are the highest population, so if men are beating down doors to be with women who have kids by another guy, uh ahem, hello, where is my door?

I know what you're thinking, to soon, you don't need it, and you need to focus on all the other billions of shit you have in front of you. You're right. And I know that. And I'm not even thinking about that right now. I just get lonely. I like to watch movies and cuddle, or just talk and be heard and have real conversations. And tonight was a night where I feel like those things will be impossible for me to have, because I have baggage and insecurities, so its easier to just build a wall. But really, I'm just like that princess in the story that wants the wall scaled and to be rescued. And my rescuer is no where in sight, doesn't want to be found-has had so much stuff that maybe it has forever changed the pattern of "rescue missions." If only I got the chance to get deep enough to say, "hey, I can rescue you too" but I seem to not know how to offer that to anyone, let alone myself.

So as I have my moment of sadness, I'm remembering its the season of being thankful and its time for a change. People on facebook that bitch about stuff just irritate me. Some people I just want to punch when they are like oh thank you for cleaning my house and watching my child for the whole weekend. I want to say them, try doing it with the emptiness of a person, alone, isolated, far away, and not having help. Of learning how to survive. Or the months when you have to choose what bills to pay, electricity of grocery bill? Car insurance or car payment? Or moving back at home when you feel like you have failed at life. Having to accept money from people that are kind enough to offer it, because they know you have none, and you know you are going to accept it because its the difference of feeding your kid and having diapers. Of eating saltines for weeks, because its your kid first always. Withstanding verbal abuse and violent outbursts so that you know your kid will be safe. Of being on foodstamps because there was no way you were going to starve or let your kid starve. I didn't come from humble origins, but I sure am ending in that. And you know what, I don't care. And I don't care who knows.  Pawnshops, anything of value, jewelry, tvs, have made the difference of getting all my bills paid. Because really, its materialistic, it will come and go, and we always land on our feet, doesn't matter how. It made me a better person. I'm careful of who I am friends with, because people screw you over. I'm more quick to help others who really need it, because I know that they have no one else. And I know what that is like. I donate everything if I don't use it. Because trust me, someone else is always worse off then you, and they can always use it. Really, brand name is so stupid. Grow up. If its twice as expensive and doesn't have a use, what you spend on it sometimes can be an income for a family of 2 or 3 for a month, maybe two if its a crazy price. And yes, I know some people work hard, and "deserve" it, and those other people must be lazy. But trust me, nothing is secure, nothings lasts forever, except for God, so just watch what you say. I don't judge anymore. I've seen, met, come across all walks of life. Nothing is ever what it seems. I hate drama and manipulative girls. They ruin it for so many who are not like that. I used to be flaky, stand people up, not show up when I say, or say maybe all the time, because I didn't want to upset other people, so I would put the blame on me. But really, I hate to be late. I like to be early. I don't like to keep people waiting. And I've recently adopted the "let your yeses be yes, and your nos be no" because I hate to hear maybe. Just commit or be honest and say no, and then just say why. If someone can't understand why, not your problem or fault-worse shit to lose sleep over. So after my crazy tangent conversation, I am sure you are like get to the point Shannon. I can see your smile, as you say it. God I miss you. You would know exactly what I mean, no questions asked, no judgement passed. Cousin, sometimes I just want to scream, where are you? Why did you go, don't you know we all need you? New resolves, Xander, everyday, more patience. 2 is hard, you are just trying to figure out life, and its so full, and he is only enjoying it, not make it more trifling (although tantrums sometimes seem to feel that way). God, I need him to be a gentleman to girls when he gets older, and be smart, and have good values and a good core system. Makes me feel like I am not doing enough sometimes. Help others, all the time, in whatever way I can. Be more forgiving, and just move forward. Be content, this one seems to be what I'm doing right now. I can say I'm content, I dont want more (except for my minor self-wallowing loneliness tonight, but it will pass, and tomorrow is a new day) and I love everything in my life. And mostly, no more compromising, for me, or for Xander. I refuse to settle, not this time. I want to enjoy everything, from little to big, and I want you to, too, whenever you get here-if you get here.

If I keep going, it will all unfold, and I can't do that not today, but you already know. Say hi for me to my grandma. Miss you both.

Love Shannon