Ocean

Dear Seth,

The currents were strong, rough, almost like white caps and choppy waves. I was looking for answers, that seemed so hard to find. I prayed for change, deliverance, safety, for a life of more than just survival. And it came. It was what I needed, more of a shock than anything, not necessarily an answer I would fight, but as you know from my previous letters, they were really cries for help, of lonliness, of the endless nights and doing it all alone. At least now, I am purged of that shell.

The sea is a little calmer now. Only changes in the current about once a week instead of every few hours like a month ago. I am single. After 8 years. Well I have been for 2 months almost to the day. I remember your letter, from 2003, last one before you were gone, maybe I should have listened. But for all the complaints, I am a mother, first and foremost to the most amazing little boy. And I wouldn't change that for anything. Even on the rough days like today of endless testing, tantrums, and my patience shortly leaving under from me.

At night, when its clear, I feel that "calm before the storm feeling" that most oceans often deceive sailors with. I've been pushed in a corner, and I came out fighting. It will seem to most I have lost, but I keep my head. I am right back where I started when I graduated highschool, except I have a kid, no job, the added "baby daddy" which I won't go into even though it is my right to publicly vent and voice and do what I want, I'm above that, and I moved back home. Privacy and space are a luxury I no longer have. My own rules and tribulations of a household to myself don't exist either. But we have a place to go. A roof over our head. A chance to complete the new school path journey I have started. Xander has a chance to be in a stable, loving, home environment and not daycare. He gets to build a lasting relationship with his grandparents. He gets to stregthen his with mine, and can not be afraid to be a little boy, to scream and laugh and play and test, push boundries, laugh, cry.

And on the day when Xander was born, my life changed, it was that ocean sunset, perfect in evey way, in every color type feeling. I fell in love. Probably with the only boy that loves everything about me and wants to be with me and needs me, and shows me every day. Did you know he will cover me with his blanket, his most prized possession? He looks to me to make sure its okay, knows that no matter what shit hits the fan, he will not be affected, he will be okay, he will always have me, always be okay, because we are together. He knows internally, that its ingrained in him, that where I go, he goes, its not negotiable. I changed my life for him that very earth shattering, horribly painful moment he came into the world. Through all the unsuccessful feedings, projectile vomitting, hospital stays, surgery, my surgery, and us trying to figure out this new life together. We grew together, me and him, him his first year, me, my first year as a mother, as knowing that my life is not my own, that he is always first. I gave up free time, most friends, and we learned to go everywhere together. I know that he doens't nap in the car. He loves country music. Is terrified of recliner chairs with the footrest up, and also hated to have his sheets changed. His newest accomplishment is being in the 10th percentile for weight. He's been on his own weight line curve since about 5 months old, and hasn't been back on since. He's half my height. Who needs the park and toys and swings when you can go for a walk or run up and down the driveway? Who would have thought that at 3 months he had his own room, and at 2 years we are roommates? I love to hear him breath when he sleeps. He's quick to anger in frustration, but I need to remind myself, however frustrated I am, he is twice as much, because he can't say how he is feeling. So yea, I would get frustrated too. He loves to sing, he will sing back and forth with you. Loves musics, guitars and drums. He loves to please, making someone happy and doing the right thing is already so important to him. He loves to help, I want him to do be independent. Remembe when you taught me how to unload the dishwasher at 8? He's already doing it at 2. For better or worse, we are all each other has. But really I would say thats only better.

Now it seems the ocean sets a different pace- three various kinds. One is almost exotic, tropical feel, of warm heart, clear waters, so you know what you see is what you get, but you also know that pretty much its so "tropical" you will never travel that current.  The other, is traveled more as a sometimes current joureny, where there are no lines, no boundaries, you are sometimes drifting off the map, sometimes following the compass. But the ship is efficient, steady, it repairs itself, has the same nuts and bolts caliber as the kind of boat you would want to travel, but its newer, so you aren't sure if it is as reliable as it appears. Can you trust it? Since you know the journey you want to travel, I guess the ship has to prove its relability and acceptance to the path you want to sail with it. The third current, a surprisingly peaceful flow of old and new, faithful, with an air of mystery. It blends with your current sail the most, out of all, but wasn't really anything of any kind of pace you wanted to set. And swimming with the turtles is okay, as it switching to swimming with the dolphins. It's nothing of anything you would have expected, but has the promise to turn into everything you wanted, a sweet, lullaby of seaweed, drifting breeze, a current you would want to sail no matter how the winds have changed ships.

I'm content. With whatever ever ocean I land, whichever one I sail, because I know whats in my boat. No surprises. Its Xander. And Me. And what fits us both. Not what fits anyone else. And in that boat is the truth, and it won't be compromised like I let it so many times. And thats on me, no one else. I won't play dumb game, I can only be me, and if that isn't enough to offer, then I guess I'll know that sooner better than later.  I know that I'm alright, that even being forced to fight, to navigate backwards instead of progressing forward like I should be at 27, could actually be the right kind of "forward"

I miss you, always.

Love Shannon

Take heart

Dear Seth,

Today is the first day in a long time that I shouldered the weight of it. Separating yourself from it, the emotion, wants, and connection, and doing it to get just get the job done and do what you haave to do to survive is not my favorite thing. Especially when the immediate security of my world is rocked and it was unplanned and not my doing. I know its the necessary of being an adult and taking care of your shit, but man is like the worst possible down fall of it.

It takes some 2 million years for stars to form and earth is probably the only planet ever that God made to come together like it did. How incredibley amazing is that? And when I think of that, the day and events and weight of all don't seem to be so much. It doesn't make things be "off the hook" as you might say, but it  sheds the light on my path, and that the short amount of time needed to complete that path isn't forever and certainly isn't the worst the world has ever seen.

I think the worst part is that in order to survive, subconsciously there is always a small wall up, guarding out emotion with fear, to increase control, having the upper hand, and to not be emotional. This way, no one gets hurt. And this way, by not trusting fully and completely my sense of security and stability won't be threatened ever again. Because I'm mad and angry and hurt, feeling like none of tha was considered. Like doing everything I can to get me and mine to where we need to be isn't enough. But really,can I do anymore? Truly no. And this is probably just the processing and compartmentalizing taking place, but it always take a few days to deal with.

So as I  allow myself today to wallow, tomorrow it will not be such. It will be celebration, forgiveness, healing, moving forward, all in the form of survival. And I will take heart, because Jesus encouraged it, and with all that amazingness in that, I have to know that that is what is real, and right.

I love you.

Shannon

I'm Coming Home

Dear Seth,
I'm coming home, Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know the kingdom awaits, and he forgives my mistakes.

This really reasonates with me. Like when you let a horse out at a full gallop, and you just feel the wind and all the speed gathering under you, I feel myself, propelled forward, excited, content. Shit happens to shake you to you core. Happened. Makes you realize you need to get out of your funk. This life so isn't about me. Its about everyone else in it, and my lot, and what I'm doing for that, and how I'm using my gifts, and God and all that connects it. Funny how when my world is threatened, mostly by my own doing, I feel the steel reserve within me, come out, brace against the world, ready to weather whatever storm is around.

I can't live my life by wanting or what others around me are having the good fortunes of jobs, marriage, babies, and such. What I have is my life and all the good things and people in it. Lonliness doesn't bother me as much, only when it comes to him. I've adjusted to having long distance friends but not the close knit proximity of childhood. I don't have regret. And I don't want pity. I'm my own best friend, that and a certain two year old.

I guess this is my letter of resilience. I love you. I miss you. Today is a day where I wish you were here to hang out and give me a hug.

Love
Shannon

Mommy Dearest letter #3

Dearest Xander,

Tomorrow you will be two years old. OMG, I cannot believe it. So here I am, working on your third letter, as promised, one per year, trying to squeeze it in while you are sleeping. This year, has been the year of joy for me. I have come to
the conclusion with your help, that you, your stability, your being, your routine, and needs, come first, and that above all else, nothing else matters. Instead of trying to make our life about schedules and how much we can get done
in a day, I enjoy you, my shadow, and embrace your eagerness, with slowed lessons of “helping” with laundry, lunch making, cleaning, groceries, learning, walks, school, phone calls, car rides, errands, and talking about anything and
everything under the sun. So we enjoy the day, at a slowed pace, taking everything that comes our way, head on.



1) “Becausea thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible.” –Marcus Aurelius. I’m not gonna lie, even since before you were born, the deck has been stacked against you, in one way or another. Status, birth, surgeries, growth, milestones, all these have been based, tracked, on what the “doctors” think an average is, as if you can truly gage a human’s accomplishments, or deduce an achievement to a statistic that labels you “under” or “average” or “over.” But you, you smile, you learn, you laugh your way through, and in my opinion you come out better and smarter than most.

2) “Tis better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else perfectly.” –Elizabeth Gilbert I want you to not be afraid to mess up, to know that it will happen, that failing is part of learning. Don’t compare yourself to others, because really, that is the only kind of failure you can commit in life-doing yourself the injustice of not being you. Follow your passion, your gut, your instincts. They won’t fail you. And I will be there, to help pick you up, brush you off, and try again-Always. No matter what. There is nothing you can’t do where I won’t love you.

3) “This is the greatest gift God can give to you:To understand what happened in your life. It is the peace you are searching for.” Mitch Albom It is natural for your soul to long for God, to want friends, to understand your purpose, all those are threaded together. So by doing the first, the rest will fall together. When you feel your soul thirsty, water it, and don’t put off the inevitable. Take care of what you can today, and God will fill you up, with something that people never can.

4) “Never forget that once upon a time; in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” Elizabeth Gilbert. I think that what I have learned most in life, especially the past year, as my life has come down to a small scope of people that you have to be your own best friend, you have to be okay with yourself where you are in life, and if you can do that, you will never be scared at the times in life when you have to be alone. That you can face life, fears, troubles, without people, but also take comfort in knowing you are never alone. I am with
you, in your heart, always, and God will always be there for you.

5) “You know you are in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss. Love and hope is what makes life bearable. Always remember the stars have nothing on you, so reach for them, with people, dreams, opportunities. Fight for love always, never give up on, and remember, it is not always fairytales, more often than not, it is compromise, tears, and hard work, but oh so always worth it.

6) “Sometimes we have just one chance to change it, and then it is gone, and never comes
again.” –Billie Letts. Remember that life can change in an instant, as quick as the intake of a breath. We always
have meanness in us, but we have to let go of that, and hang onto each other, and the good in us, and that’s the only thing worth living for, always is the good. And we have to pass that on, and make the most of everyday, because, like
I said, things can change in an instant. So you have to make God the constant, and ride it out.

7) “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve brought a big bat. I’m all ready you see, now my troubles are going to have troubles with me.” Dr. Seuss. Honestly, I think Seuss was a genius. With a few witty rhymes, he made life advice for more people, than most will ever realize. I cannot guarantee our life will ever be easy. Some troubles I can stop, some I cannot. And also know that I won’t always be able to help you, but I will try my hardest…always. Some can be solved with
money, some with a decision, all with prayer. I will always have a bat ready for you, to help you beat down what troubles we can, so that trouble will hate when it sees us at its back. And never, please never, feel like you are a
burden for us, or that you cause trouble. Because you are the furthest from that.

8) “Sometimes the questions are complicated, and the answers are simple.” Dr. Seuss. This, is
sometimes the epitome to the core of many of life’s ‘gray’ issues, or questions. You will face many questions, some appropriate, some not, most funny, some heartbreaking. I promise we will always try for the simple answer, but just remember, even if it does turn out to be simple, you may not like it. But you have to learn to accept it, and be okay with it. Whatever the answer is to whatever question you want to ask.

9) “To all the lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love.” –One
Tree Hill. I loved this show, in highschool, and when I first started dating your dad and crazy enough, it is still on now, even when you are 2. I think mostly, if you let what you love do what it’s supposed to, it will heal you, help you not be bitter, and the thing that numbers measure can start to be used for things that matter, your heart, your words, your dreams, and all because you just chose to believe in the power of love, of what it can do for you.

10) “The rest of your life is a long time, and whether you know it or not, its being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, or bad luck, or bad choices, or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair, in the real world, that’s just the way it is, but for the most part, you get what you give. What’s worse, not getting what you wished for or getting it, and finding out it’s not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time, and it starts right now.” –One Tree Hill…so yeah, pretty self explanatory. It just covered so much, and I wanted you to hear it, know it, and follow it.

11) “Move forward, fall back, life’s like that.” –Show credit for a tv show called Mercy.Kind of a life motto. Sometimes your up, sometimes your down. But its life, so accept it, and instead of fighting it, make the best of it.

12) “If you’re out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold, All you gotta do is call my name, and I’ll be there on the next train.”-From the Gilmore Girls song credit. Funny, whenever you hear this song right now, you stop what you are doing, runto the tv and just gaze with your eyes open. You love this song. When you do this, I say “It’s your song.” And you get so excited and happy. And if you don't believe me, lol, I have it on video. But really, its true. Whenever you are sad or lonely, whether you live with me, or are a grown adult, I am always just a phone call away, or whenever needed, I will fly, travel, run, just to get to you. I love you. Everything I ever did or chose, lead me to you. Can’t argue with that.

So heres to a year of the 2’s. They say, its horrible, that you will give us hell. But really, so far, you just test your boundaries, and once you know they don’t change, you smile, stay within them, and are my handsome, singing, adoring shadow. Whom I would be lost without.

I love you always,

Momma

China Doll

Dear Seth,


Remember the story I mailed to you, years ago, the "catch you when you fall" one? At somepoint I will post it up here, but I feel her shadows, creeping round. I look at myself and I see the ugliness crowding out around the white porcelian skin that lies around my inner core and my heart. I want to be beautiful. I want to be the only face he sees and have him have some irristable urge to have me be at the inner core of most things. Not in a way where like its before God or anything sacreligious in that sense.

I see the marks, the scars of pregnancy, the evil trying to cover me up. Just when you start to identify evil, it seems to transform itself into something else. I just want to be myself, believer, rebellion, goody-tissues all in one. Is that even possible? I don't know anymore.....

Maybe I'll be back with some more, but for now, this is all I can come up with.

Love,

Shannon

Bumbly Jumbly

Dear Seth,

America seems to be a country of "can" and fads, of the "I want it now" mentality. But more importantly, is a place of opportunities and dreams can come true, which lets the first be possible by the latter. Sorry its been awhile, I just kind of needed to phase out for a little bit. Before I always waited to long, and look what happened. I read that line even now, and can't help but hurt for you, and wish I would have been better, stronger, and more importantly just be there for you.

I'm stronger now though, and I don't wait to long anymore. Which seems like a dumb lesson, I would trade learning that lesson to go back and do it differently. I play smarter now, and though it seems annoying to always have to be on your toes, it hasn't failed me yet.

I feel the changes in me, the not caring about what people think. I think my biggest thing is bitchy petty people who try to use you and manipulate life to their advantage. And I was the bigger person to many times and just didn't want to deal with it. And what she will never learn is that in that instant it caused her to grow up, and she should be thankful for that instead of being a punk ass bitch.

I'm so jumbled, and thats probably why this post seems to be that way but once I get it out, it somehow seems to make itself be righted, right? I think I just need to sleep on a lot of it, and it will all feel better in the morning.

I promise to write better next time.

Love Shannon

Coming together.

Dear Seth,

I read somewhere once that sometimes thing fall apart in order for better things to come together. I think thats what its like when God breaks down our barriers to reach our soul, so that it may come bursting through bright as a star later.

I've been waking up at 4 AM for the past two days, and just pray until I can't think and hope to fall asleep. This morning I just prayed that I would know peace-through it all.

I think it takes courage to let yourself be "ruined." Ruin is really just a series of transformations till the ruined things are "right." I feel as if my soul has been going from ruin to right. I'm finally at that point where I need to stop trying and just surrender.

The day is almost over now. I know that money will come and go. Mistakes are made and cannot be undone. My greatest teacher has become regret. And with that regret, I am starting to send it love and light and drop it. And once I forgive myself and move forward, the rest of it takes care of itself.

And as the day started with woes and worry, it ends with the thought that there will be struggle, fights, frustrations, challenges, but this is life, and as such strife is known, there is even more reasons to celebrate always. After all, everything falls apart in life and the only permanent thing in life is family and faith and friends.

And know I have peace that it is all coming together.

I miss you more each day.

Love,

Shannon