Farewell

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry its been so long. I seem to go in phases, and I am going to try and be better about writing you. This is your birthday week, it makes it harder :(. Man I miss you. I tried to fill the week, hell, the days with endless activity so I don't think about any of it. But at night, when everything is done, or I can't do anything more until the next day and then my mind wanders and goes through everything until I finally can fall asleep. Thats why I am glad school started again so I can stay up late late and by the time I turn in, I'm too exhausted to think. Seems to be the best plan for now. Until I find a better one lol. That, and I'm letting it all go, and Xander and school and getting a place to live are the main focus.

I heard this song today, and it fit. Good Taylor Swift song. It is sort of my farewell.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile
so he wont see.
That I want and I'm needing everything
that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
that girl he talks about
and she's got
everything that I
have to live without
Drew talks to me,
I laugh cuz it is so damn funny

That I can't even
see anyone when
he´s with me
He says he´s
so in love
he´s finally got it right

I wonder if he
knows he´s all I
think about at night

He´s the reason for the
teardrops on my guitar
The only thing
that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

Hes the song in the car I keep
singing,
don't know why I do

Drew walks by me,
can he tell that I
can't breathe?
And there he goes
so perfectly.
The kind of
flawless I wish I
could be.

She´d better hold
him tight,give
him all her love

Look in those beautiful
eyes and know she's
lucky cause

He´s the reason
for the teardrops on my guitar
the only thing that
keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He´s the song in the car
I keep singing,
don't know why I do

So I drive home
alone,as I turn
out the light

I'll put his picture
down and maybe
Get some
sleep tonight

He´s the reason
for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who´s
got enough of me
to break my heart

He´s the song in the car
I keep singing,
don't know why I do

He´s the time taken
up,but there's
never enough
And he´s all that I
need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake
a smile so he
won´t see    

Chances are

Dear Seth,

I'm sad. My heart is heavy with a sequence of events that has lead me to here. Mostly a series of bad judgement and a road of bad luck straggling behind it. I suppose it will be my cross that I carry every day, and I have to get okay with that. How do people ever be okay with it? Why do I feel like I am alone in it? I want to say that I see that you give a damn, that you try hard. Thats why I gave into him, to give him what he wanted. He tells me what I want to hear, that he won't disappear. Because if I'm honest, really blind eye stabbing honest, I'm not okay with it, horrified really, and filled with remorse. But the words whispered, and declarations offered were something that I wanted more, and maybe thats the part that makes me the most upset with myself. That I did a selfish thing for me, instead of following my heart. Or let me elaborate more, I followed my heart, and tried to do what was right, but in the end was it doing right by me, or the other, and am I more selfish or less for doing that? And is right that I feel angry that it seems I'm more alone in it now than before?

I woke up late today. I feel the sting and the numbness of the pain. I put a smile on my face, and mustered up everything for the day, to be the best mom for Xander-because most days, that seems all I will amount to. Like I'm not anything else outside of that, not a woman, a girl who can feel sexy and accomplished at the same time, not a student, a friend, a daughter, a lover, someone to fall in love with-these never seem relevant anymore and maybe they arent. I try to ignore the hurt, but its there. I'm getting a little stronger, a little better, hoping that it could work out, but I know my heart will never be the same. I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days. It won't happen overnight I know. I just hope at some point I will get to a place where I realize I haven't cried over it in awhile. And that at some point I'll just be stronger. Even if I have to will myself.

It's a daily battle for me, with one foot on the narrow way, and one foot on the ledge sifting through the devil's lies, and what the good Book says. I seem to have this interal struggle that I don't deserve anything good because of my sins, and if I'm going anywhere, I'll probably go too far, to the other way, chances are away from what I want or what is supposed to be, because I cant just leave well enough alone. Maybe because it was discussed that you can be able to tell everything, and not have it make it feel like you push them away. But with all, it seems that it does. So how do you say, I want to chase away the hurt, make you smile, let you know I'm here for awhile, for as little or as long as you want. And that if isn't to be and it can't be seen that my heart is set on you, I'd just rather be by myself? I don't know about any of that. Most recent lesson: Timing is everything. Biggest key factor in the whole stinking mess. I guess it is what will never be.

I try to tear down the wall, to not let what I want to say pass my lips, but somehow it does, and there is no back up plan, no second chance, just the silence that remains and my heavy heart.

So in the hopes that my Christmas miracle comes this year Seth, I'll close with this, what I read today

"For everything written in the past, was written to teach us so that through endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4. And hope, is truly all I have. To give and to receive everyday.

Please be with the angels, and with Payton, Nolan, and Lexington. I miss you always.

Love Shannon

Heart

Dear Seth,

I have so much to write, to say. But I can't even begin, because my heart is full, mostly of hurt and sadness and pain and I cant go there right now or I won't stop. I'll try to tomorrow. These lyrics just fit right now. To what I want to say but can't. To what I want to be, but won't-because I can just never seem to be enough, to be good, for anyone to want, to pursue.  I love it though, when a song just vibes with you, with where you are at.

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

We had Thanksgiving a few days ago. I really miss you. Please watch out for P, and N, and BAB for me.
Love Shannon

Self-Doubt

Dear Seth,

Self-doubt is a terrible thing. You think you don't deserve things. You think you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid. That you have nothing to offer. You make yourself so busy that you don't have to think about anything. You become anal, or over analyze, you don't eat to deal with stress, you go from one extreme to the other to try and find what you think balance works for you. When really you just can't face the fact to accept that good things should and can happen to you. Why should I let them now, when none of them were good before? Maybe thats why I let people walk all over me or let bad things happen, because how could I deserve better. I don't know. Because if good things were supposed to happen, then they will right? I don't know. I'll let you know I guess.

Summer Haze

Dear Seth,

I've been having this dream lately, where I see me, and him. It seems to be summer, woodsy, random trucks are scattered around. The sun's out, seems really humid. It's like I can see myself from afar, seeing us interact, but I can't talk to myself, I can't do a thing. We kiss, its tender, sweet, the choices and results of everything that was done in the right time, right place seem to glow from both of us. I seem lighter,not so much of the weary loads to carry. I don't know if this is my past from what it would have been, or a glimpse to what might be or the future. I have no idea.

And then I wake up. I see I'm where I am, with the all the my choices in front of me, and everything else is evident. And I wonder if the words are true, that echo around in my dream, if the promises uttered will be kept. I find myself holding my breath, because if I breath out, they won't be true, And I'm afraid to hope, because I so want it to be true. But I don't just want to be chasing this alone. I guess for now, I'll jump in and just keep holding my breath. Because really, who doesn't want to hope?

Love,

Shannon

I remember

Dear Seth,

Remember how you you said we were each others keepers? We were good for each other's souls? So true. You got to the very core of me without even trying. And you could make me laugh in the next sentence. Damn I miss that. No one else ever really gets that way to me. Maybe thats what made you so different, so special.

I remember when you told me once after talking about boys, you said if you're worth it, he'll fight for you. You told me that about him, and you were right, he didn't. I should have listened to you then. Saved me a world full of trouble. And now as an after affect I always feel like I have to be brave. It scares me, this need to have a wall and try and never let anyone in. I fear it might push others away, that no one will want to break it down. Odd how internally I can be an eternal optimist, but externally I dont trust easily and tend to want to push people away. I remember how you said I need someone to be patient, slow, persistent, and not tell me but show me they mean what they say. You're right. And hopefully it works out that way. I miss you.

Love,

Shannon

Mountains to climb

Today is one of those days where you wake up and you think I will never be the same. Sad, lonely, relieved, upset, angry, angry that I'm forced to feel like I will be a souless wonder. Did you ever feel this Seth? When you were facing down the walls that held your soul? Like a caged bird with eagle wings. You knew what you could fly for, strive for, but those walls held you from it and made you feel like you'll never get out from them.

Have you ever done something for for the greater good, but everything in you screamed its wrong?  Yup, thats me. I'm cold, I can't seem to get warm, and I'm so tired. But blast this dreary day, I must go on, it doesn't stop for me, Xander still needs to go to bed, I still have homework, there's laundry to do, planning out the week for school, and a million more mountains that need to be tackled. But for now, I'm going to tuck away this day, and maybe someday it won't be so bleak feeling.